Hi, my name is Angelica, I'm 31 years old, and have recently had the heartbreak of witnessing meth addiction firsthand, through my best friend and love of my life.
   We met when I was 16 and he was 14 on the school bus. We became very close and had a lot in common, as both of our mothers were also drug addicts. We both swore we would never end up like them, that we were going to make something of ourselves. He, even for a teenager then, was one of the most intelligent, insightul, and loving people I'd ever had the priviledge of knowing. Unfortunately, after a couple of years, our families moved, and we lost touch with each other until about two years ago, when a mutual close friend of ours died. We began hanging out, catching up, and inevitably, we started a romantic relationship with each other. It was then that I became aware of him using ice. I'd seen him smoke it many times, and on occasion, use points (i.e. needles). This frightened me, I brought this up to him, but he reassured me that it wasn't an "everyday thing". It was something he did every few months or so, like they way some people smoke a joint. I kept quiet for the time being, but still kept my eyes open. Sticking needles in your arm or smoking out of a glass pipe isn't considered "recreational use" in my book.
   He began living in a house on the south side of Atlanta with about seven other people, who were all baseheads as well. He went from working a third shift street sweeping job, to becoming unemployed and began selling small amounts for a dealer he knew. Mostly to have a free stash to get high on and put some chump change in his pocket. His appearance began to go downhill, his hygiene was not up to par, he got the sunken-in cheeks and eye sockets, would be up for days on end, babbling and not making any sense. His room looked like someone's nightmare. Literally, butane lighters, empty baggies, razor blades, Q-tips, broken pipes laying around everywhere. There was at one time a welding torch sitting in there, that he & the others were using to light their pipes with. At this time, I managed to talk sense into him and get him the hell out of that house. He moved in with me, and slept for almost two weeks non-stop, detoxing off of crystal. He got clean, gained his weight back, started looking good and feeling good, and joined the Navy.
   In January of this year, he went to bootcamp. He graduated in March as Honor Recruit and his division was at the top. He was then transferred to Pensacola for additional training. At this time, we'd already bought a house together and were making plans of getting married and starting a family of our own. But, it was in Pensacola that he and another shipmate, got back into ice again, and subsequently, were busted with having it in their system. My ex, instead of telling the truth, lied to the military and to me, saying the meth was slipped in his drink by two strange girls who were trying to pick him up at some bar. He continued this lie for three months, pending an administration hearing. All of our energy, everything was focused on him. And you know what? He was so convincing, I even believed him, as far-fetched as his story was.
   In the beginning of August, the board gave him a "other than honorable" discharge. When he came home for his two week leave, he went straight to his mother's (who is still a meth addict, btw), used again, and continued to lie to me about his dealings with meth. It wasn't until a few days after he'd been home, that he finally told me the truth. I asked him to leave for a week to let me think. We remained in touch, and within 6 days I called him and asked him to come home so we could try to work it out. It was then he informed me he was back on meth, and had made plans to spend the weekend with an ex-girlfriend/former stripper who is or was, a meth user as well. It was then that I realized just how warped his mind was, and how he was not interested in coming home or getting clean. Two days later, I had his things packed and delivered to his mother's house where he was staying. And other than a couple of sporadic phone calls, I've not really heard from him since.
   He left me with a house and mortgage payments to make alone. He left me with a pricey cell phone bill he had run up that month, along with numerous other bills, that he never once helped out on. But worst of all, he left me, in his heart and mind, as well as just physically. So many nights I screamed and cried for him, so many times I'd reach out on his side of the bed wishing he were still there. So many words of hurt and anger that I wanted to unleash on him. So many times I'd been there to pick him up and clean up his emotional messes. I finally realized his failure was not my fault. It was not my responsibility. It took a lot of nights alone, holding myself, mentally beating myself up about "did I do the right thing", suffering a horribly intense heartbreak to realize all of this.
   I did everything in my power as his friend to help him, to reach out to him and show him a more beautiful and postive side of life that he deserved to have. But ultimately, it was HIS choice to "waste the pretty", and go back to a life of addiction, poverty, and misery. I know now, I DID do the right thing, by removing him and his hurtful actions out of my life. I no longer have the feelings of guilt or blame for his life. The only sadness I feel now, is of losing a dear and close friend that I shared everything with. Of seeing such a loving and wonderful person destroy themselves and become hopelessly blinded by a chemical and the trashy people associated with it.
   That's my story. Don't ever take on the responsibility of someone's life. It's hard enough being responsible for your own. And, for those of you who have someone you love addicted to meth, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. Good luck and many blessings to you all.
--Angelica

   I am writing this because I can see what this drug can do, and although I am not a user but the family member of a user it breaks my heart knowing that my family is falling apart because of this drug. My father and brother are both addicts. My brother seems to blame this all on my father, but eventually you have to take responsibility that you are the one that chooses to get high all the time. My brother is only 22 yrs old, and seems to be content with his life, and he is doing nothing to make it a better one. My brother is smart and kind. Meth has managed to turn him into a person that I don’t even want to know anymore. He has stolen from all of us, he has made me and my mom and dad cry many a tears, and promise that he would stop. We believed him, and still, he continues to get high. He went to jail for about 6 months, came out a new person. It was the brother that I loved to love. And for about 1 1/2 yrs he seemed to have his life together, and slowly we noticed the weight loss, the mood swings, him not ever having money. All the things that were happeing before, well here we go again. My mother tries to see what no one else can see in him...for Gods sake he’s her son. Although I love my brother, I see his life slowly being eaten away, and it makes me so angry that he doesn’t see what we all see. You will never become an ex-addict, you will always be addicted to this drug, the yearning for it will never dispurse. Those are my brothers exact words. I cant help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. But at the same time can i just sit back and watch him die a slow death? I want so much more for him, I want him to experience life, but I just don’t know how long I have. He wont listen, he doesn’t want too. Its one excuse after another. I know that I cant stop anyone from doing this drug, but if you have people in your life that care about you, why not care about them and reach out, its ok to say your an drug addict, and you need help because you cant stop. I’m waiting to hear those words come out of my brothers mouth. I love you bro.
--Mitch

  I dated my exboyfriend on and off for three years. We had been dating for 4 months when we went to lunch with his brother. He was wired and a little goofy but we all just let it go. That night I went with him to his house he immediately passed out but was still talking to me and it sounded like gibberish. I found out much later he had done crystal meth the night/morning before. I abruptly didn't hear from him again for 7 months. When we met up again, I foolishly forgave him and allowed him back into my life even though the first night we met up again he pulled out a pipe and asked if it was okay if he smoked. Not wanting to push him away I said it was fine. We began dating again and soon I realized that he was smoking crystal meth every day to wake up and then every few hours all day long. Before long he was dealing it as well. I was constantly surrounded by scales and baggies and two cell phones going off all night and all day long. He was so sweet and attentive that I allowed these things to be in my life. It wasn't long though before he started not showing up for days and then was angry when I approached him about his absences saying he had been asleep. I think I spent more time in our relationship making sure he wasn't hurt in a hospital somewhere and trying to get him to sleep than anything else. It only became progressively scarier. He began accusing me of being places and doing things that never happened insisting he "saw me". He became so paranoid that he at one point thought that I was in cohorts with the police to arrest him. He set up cameras all over and would watch outside constantly. He would go nights without sleeping and then would be alone with me and I would realize that he was talking to one of his friends who wasn't even there and not me. Right before we stopped talking, his only friends and only people he ever saw, were other crystal meth users or dealers. He would only leave his house occasionally and when he did, he looked around wildly as if someone were following him. When he was home he would make pipes for smoking crystal for days at a time never leaving the same spot on the couch. I wish with all my heart that this man could be healthy again. At the same time his lifestyle brought me down. I have never been let down, yelled at, or bewildered by behavior so many times in my life. I could see the mental and physical breakdown of his body right in front of me. Although it may seem cruel, my only advise would be to cut people in this condition out of your life 100%. If he ever cleans up, I would be more than happy to offer my support and love...cautiously. He has already lost the support of his family and now me. I only hope that somehow losing these things will be enough to jolt him into getting help before he dies because it is the only future I see for him now at the rate he is going. Crystal Meth robs the users and their loved ones of their health and life. It has taken the most intelligent gorgeous man I have ever met and destroyed him.
--Pat

   Hi I felt as though my plight was the most tragic stories ever told. After reading these letters I realize that this drug affects so many different people in the same way it has affected my family.
   This time last year almost to the date, my husband and I conceived our first child. He, being a 39 year old, at that time had a wonderful job that provided a 6 digit annual income. We had been in a beautiful new home that we planned on raising our first child in for about a year. We installed a pool and I was going to graduate from college the following may. We went to New York for New Years. i found out I was pregnant in Saks and told my husband in Tiffany's. We came home and by February I could tell that something was wrong. I was told that everything was my fault and I cried and begged and told him I could change. He had total control over me and all I could do is believe that I deserved the treatment I was receiving. I noticed he was losing weight rapidly and that he would be sweet one day and then evil the next. I asked him numerous times if he was on drugs he would swear on the life of our unborn child. I eventually got tired of the abuse and filed for divorce. I knew at that point that my husband was strung out, However I had no proof and all of those involved were not telling. Plus his favorite word to use on me and about me was that I was delusional. I have since found out every detail of his life. He has been addicted to Crystal for many months and has been seeing a stripper since before the New York trip.
   Today my husband has lost his job and soon we will lose our home. He has maxed out eight credit cards with major limits. He lost me and the life we had planned a long time ago. I have tried numerous times to reach out to his family and to encourage him to get help. Of Course what do I know I am delusional. I been waiting to see where rock bottom is for him. He still has not hit even though he is now on probation and is jobless, behind on child support. Most recently he and his girlfriend had a fight and she claimed that he touched her daughter. As soon as I told him that the only way I would even let his daughter be a part of his life would be for him to go to rehab. his response was you will have me declared incompetent. I told him there would never be a chance for us to be back together. Within minutes he was back on his stripper girlfriends doorstep and moved her back into our home that is supposed to be on the market by a realtor. They were calling me that afternoon to rub it into my face. In his methed state he is not even acknowledging that he is living with a woman that has accused him of touching her daughter. My point is I guess that this drug is the devil and it takes away everything not just for the ones who are using but also for the ones that love them. His daughter is the most beautiful sweet child you will ever see. He is missing it all. Of course that is my fault for keeping him from seeing her.
   I have let him see her twice. First time I came home from the hospital and he was in the front yard looking like death. I went inside and decided I will just walk out there and let him see her. He did not even look at her. Later I found that he had placed nail strips in the yard and bugged the whole house with tape recorders. He even stole our childs monitors so he could listen from outside the home. I am sure that this sounds familiar to most of you. It is not normal behavior but users and those that love them come to find that life is like this. Second time he was so spun out of his head he could not even loosen up enough to hold her properly. I just wanted to cry. He flew into a rage and left. Big mistake on my part.
   One thing that I have learned for those of you who love a user, I want you to remember that when you reach out and you think that you have found the perfect thing to say or do to help your loved one, you are talking to the meth (AKA the devil) not your loved one. Sadly I have come to realize that I had no control over anything that happened to me. Until I left town. Now I can only just set back and wait on the next thing to happen and hope that rock bottom for him is not death or prison.
--JR

   I am 15 years old and. i have had this idea for a a while that my mom was on meth, the last few weeks she has gone totally insane. She has gone on a huge cleaning spree and she has lost 20 lbs. she doesnt eat much, she yells at me and my dad for anything i do or say, she tried to choke me last night, she would be ok for a min. then the next she is insane.. she has never acted this way and i have no clue how to comfront her or my dad about this.. i feel even worse for my dad he follows her in everything she does, he has no say in anything, i have to have her sign a permission form when ever i want to go out or hang out with my friends or even to youth group! She told me about this yesterday she is doing this so she doesnt foget what is on my shedule and so i dont backtalk her or imbariss her in front of her friends. She is trying to guilt me too, she trys so hard, she sits there and is like you hurt my feelings and says that i dont care about her feelings and i dont care about getting a christmas tree or i dont want to spend time with her anymore.. you know what? yesterday i didnt even care if she would have died... that scares me the most.. i dont even care if my mom would die.. Last week i found baggies full of white crystal looking stuff with a cut straw and a razor.. also i found empty baggies, my mom usually doesnt close the door when she goes to the bathroom now she does, she says she is actually "happy for once" and tired of making me and my dad happy and all this crap, and she is tired of paying for stuff for me when she doesnt, all she pays for is my food and electricity.. i pay for EVERYTHING that i need or want. Its all bullshit. i have no clue what to do or how to do it...
--Wendy

   Today is the first day. I started using meth when I was 14 years old. Sounds a little crazy, but it's true. My best friend’s dad cooked it in the garage. We used to bag and get it out on the street for him. Running meth for a 39-year old loser at age 14. Little dealers for the coward that couldn't do it himself because he was too paranoid. My friend and I would get a batch of meth pull a couple grams for us then hit the block. This went on for five years before my mother realized what I had been doing. I was fortunate enough to have parents that put me in a rehab to try to save me from the only thing that I lived for. I was there for three months. My parents were moving to Hawaii and I wanted to go with them. I wanted out of that rehab so bad it was killing me. Not for the meth but for the move. I thought I was ready. I was wrong. I was in Hawaii three months before I was using again. Seems like us tweakers always find each other. I lived in Hawaii for three years and smoked ice every day. Dealing was the trick again. I ran with a lot of losers, As I was one of them. As time went by, I hurt everyone around me. Got my girl friend hooked on meth my best friend and anyone else I could so no one around me would see what I had become. Eventually my family moved back to the main land. I stayed in Hawaii thinking that I would use in paradise tell the day I died. Well I almost got my wish. In a three month time frame I went from having everything, to having nothing. My girlfriend left me to get help, most of my friends moved away and I was left there alone. I moved to San Francisco, CA to stay with my best friend. The same guy I got started on meth. When I got there, we tried to stay clean for as long as we could. But it wasn't to be. We started the cycle again. Using every day. I had become friends with a guy that was a friend of my best friend. He did not use. Was the guy that everyone loved. He was there for everyone. Basically the friend that everyone needs. But he was curious and wanted to use meth. Just try it. I never should have set that first one up for him. Today he is still my best friend and he's still using. I meet him 12 years ago. I love him more than my own brothers. I’ll get back to him in a minute. By this time two years had pasted and when I meet her I was a mess. Strung out and dying slowly from my only love (Meth). She was the woman of my dreams. She was having problems with her then loser boyfriend. She wanted out of the city and I wanted her. So we took off for San Diego. We lived at my brother’s house for about two months. I had not used but once since moving there. My new woman had quickly become all I looked forward to and took the place of my addiction. Or so I thought. I needed a way to support us, We wanted to get married and start a family. So I joined, the Marine Corps did not use again for 10years. Some would say I should have never gotten out of the Marines. That was my down fall. It was easy not to use in the Marine Corps. I had changed my way of life. Made good life choices. Was fit and clean, and my time was filled with my job and life as a Marine. Until I went to Afghanistan the first time and Iraq the second time. 2 wars for me within two years and that was all for the Marine Corps. I was out. I couldn't take the killing and figure two was enough. One of those bullets was going to catch me someday. So we moved home, Back to San Francisco. I was still clean but not for long. After a month I found a good job. I fit right in with the crew. They all welcomed me in and we all became really good friends almost instantly. They all were meth users. I knew it from the moment I started working with them. I could see it in there eyes and smell it on them. It took two hours before they asked if I used. I told them that it had been 10 years since I last used. I never even took a second to think of what I was doing I hit a rail and was on my way. I ran into an old friend and guess what ? He was a dealer! I started running drugs for him. In exchange he would give me free meth. Every time I sold I got an eight ball for the work. I didn't need the money I needed the meth so it worked out for both of us. (At First) Then the free stopped and I was paying for it. A lot of it. I would figure about ½ gram a day too almost a gram a day. The cost was killing me $60.00 a day. And I was using every day. Sometimes I would use that much sometimes not as much. Sometimes go a day or two without sometimes every day. I lied to everyone, treated my wife and two kids like strangers and then like enemies. Stopped talking to everyone that I knew unless you used. One morning on a comedown, in the pouring rain while driving my kids to school in traffic I wrecked my wife’s car with the little ones in the back seat. Remember I said I was on the down right? Sure that's what I try to tell myself. By the grace of god my kids were ok. Shaken and scared but not hurt. Still alive! I checked them and made sure they were ok. I was in a daze scared and not sure what to do. The police arrived and I thought for sure I was on my way to jail. But they never even asked. I wish now that they had taken me in. I think that might have helped to get me to realize that I was outa control. I'm not sure, I mean damn I just wrecked the car with my kids in it and that didn't stop me. Police said that due to the rain and road conditions, it was not an accident that I could have avoided. I used that to defend my actions for a long time. In reality I know why I wrecked that car. I was downing and tired and sketchy. My attention was on everything around me but the car I was driving. My home life was a mess. I was lying to my wife about the meth constantly. For months I denied it. Hid it yet was thinking that no one knew. I started thinking that if she would use with me then it would be all good. No more fighting, no more lies, no more pain. So one night after fighting she asked me like she always did. Actually she told me she wasn't stupid and she knew what I was up too. So I finally told her I was using. We argued and yelled and screamed for days. Then I picked up a gram and asked her to try it. Just once to see what it was like. The old ‘don't knock it tell you try it’ bit. She was so tired of the bullshit and the pain that she gave in hopes that she could somehow get me to stop. She tried that for months. Cutting deals with me, I'll use with you if you start to find a way to get help. I'd say yes just to get her high and we would party the night away no bull. Just her and I. Then it got worse and worse. She was starting to fall into the meth deeper and deeper. She already was depressed before the meth use. And now it was ten times worse she was falling apart and I didn't even see it. I was dragging her down with me. She tried to kill herself about a month after she started using. She did not want to live any more with the person I had become and the person I had turned her into, By the grace of god again. She lived. She took a lot of pills. Not even sure what a lot of them were. She was given the pills from some guy she new from high school. We were fighting all day about me quitting and the shit I had been putting them through. She wanted no part of the meth and I continued to use and damn near force her to use it. All that combined with her own demons from her past was too much for her to take. So she ate the pills. Told me she was going to sleep. I didn't even know that she had taken the pills. I was running to the fast food place on the corner to get the kids some food. I asked her if she wanted anything. She said no. all she wanted was to die. We got into it for a minute and I left. My two friends two kids and I went to the drive thru tweaking to go get the kids something to eat. When we got in the car, I told one of my friends "lets make this quick, I think my wife might try to hurt herself" for some reason it clicked that something was going to happen. In the drive thru I got a really bad feeling that I needed to get home we got back to the parking lot and I had the other guys park the car and get the kids in the house and went in my room to check on her, she was barley breathing. She was trying to pull for air. Her chest was caving in and out screaming for air as her body started to shut down. I poured water on her face and slapped her three or four times across her face to wake her. She started to come around a little so I got her up helped her throw up and out the back door onto the porch for fresh air. I stayed with her for hours until she was somewhat normal again. She lived and for that I owe god. She has been and always will be the love of my life. It would have killed me if I lost her. You would think that I would stop using at that point. No I still continued to use. My wife was starting to realize that she no longer wanted the meth in her life. That it had destroyed me and now was doing the same to her and her kids. Prior to this I had already lost the support of my mom and brother due to my use and didn't even care. They tried to get me to see what I was doing. Still, didn't work. My wife went away on a three day camping trip with her work. I had her using until the minute she left. Actually she stopped two nights before, I had given her so much that she was up for almost three days. The morning she left for the trip, She was downing and had not been to sleep and had to drive three hours to the mountain. I didn't even think about it. She was going to make it. Before she left, she told me that she was done that she didn't want the meth in the house her life or the kid’s life. She asked me to promise her that while she was gone I would not use, so I could take care of my kids. I promised her and she went on her trip. I lied. We partied the whole time she was gone. Everyday and night. She got home and called for me to pick her up. we got into it right away. She new I was high. She got on the city transportation and got home to a house full of users and her kids. They were ok but I had broken the promise. She kicked me out along with everyone I had there. I stayed and promised to stop the use and get help. I told her I would but I needed her to let me do it my way. To cut back slowly and I would fully stop in about two weeks. In that two-week period I did nothing to try and stop it got worse. She wanted me out. I quit my job. My life was falling apart so I quit for about seven weeks. We moved to San Fran from the east bay. We found a place that was cheaper for us to live in and actually nicer. Things were looking good. On the outside I seemed cool with it. But I was only trying to fool myself. One day I asked my wife if we could use every once and awhile. We had a good time together (or so I thought) when we were up together. She tried to say no and actually I think she did. But at that point I was pretty much in the direction of using weather she said yes or no. So off I went to my best friend. (The same guy from before) not the dealer friend but the guy I met when I moved to San Francisco 12 years ago. When I took the seven-week break from using we didn't hang out all that much cause I was afraid that it would cause me to use. I did a couple times and he didn't offer me anything and stopped anyone from using near me. He wanted me to make it. He wanted me to get clean. It was my choice not to use and if I wanted too then to him that was also my choice. But he would not put it in front of me nor would he let anyone else do it. He was my friend before the drugs and has always been there for me. In times with the meth and in times without it. I believe that he will be there for as long as he's still alive. To me he's the only friend of mine that does the shit that I want to stay friends with. I started using again for months. I have smoked puddles every day with him. Once again lying to my wife hurting her and the kids. Just being a total jerk. They don't even know who I am and they miss the man they once new. Four days ago my wife told me she wanted me out of her house and life. She gave me three days to move out. I was thinking to myself "screw her " she says this shit all the time. She won't go through with it. Well I was wrong we had a huge fight and she said she wanted me out. If I didn't get out, she was going to call the police and have them make me go. She was serious. Yesterday morning I was going to move out. I drove the kids to school and my wife to work. Before dropping the kids off my wife told me that she had informed her work of my addiction and her whole family. I blew up at her. The kids were scared. My wife sat there and took every verbal remark I yelled at her. The kids were crying and my oldest basically made me feel like she never wanted to see me again. I told my wife that I would kill her if she told any other person. That it was my personal business. I was a total animal to them. I dropped her off and went to my friend’s house. He told me I could move in and I went to get my things. I sat in my living room all day looking around at my house my pictures my life. For six hours I thought about everything from the day I did my first line to that moment. I didn't pack a thing. I went over to my best friend’s house. He talked to me a while about choices. About what I wanted in my life and what was I going to do. I think I was looking for him to tell me what to do. I had realized that I was lost. That I was addicted to crystal meth and that my life was falling apart. I thought that he was trying to tell me to stay there and live my life the way that I wanted to. He was! To tell you the truth. But he had a different message in it as well. The message I took from it was this, Make up my own mind. Do what I need to do. For me. To live and make decisions the way I want to. To make the right choice based on what I want. What I need. Not for my wife, not for my kids, but for me. And then and only then will I be able to set myself free and be the husband, father, Son, Brother and friend that I used to be. I needed to make the choice to quit using on my own. Not by my wife, not by him, not by the kids. The choice was mine and only mine. My kids called to ask me if I was coming home it was late and they were going to bed. I had to say no. They cried and cried. I talked to my wife I begged her to let me come home. I cried and cried. And I realized that it is more important to me. To have my wife and kids in my life. That I have been totally out of control. That everyone around me is falling apart. That whole day I remember every thing wrong that I had done. I looked in the mirror and I didn't even know who I was, I’m an addict I live for meth and I would die for meth. I let everything in my life fall apart. I lost it all. That was yesterday November 4, 2004. Today I have not used I have committed to just one day from there I can't promise anyone that I won't use. But at least for today I’m clean. I love my wife, my kids, my family and friends. My wife has hurt and struggled to long for her husband. She gave up the fight for me and started the fight for her and our kids. I thought it was that she turned her back on me. That she was disloyal. In reality she tried to do everything to get me to stop. She couldn't win so she did what she had to survive. She took care of herself. I'm proud of her. And I will always love her. No matter what. I will always have her back. Just like she has had mine. As for my best friend. He is using today. But that is his choice, his way. I love him. He is my brother. I will thank him for the rest of my life for what he helped me realize yesterday. Not only that my family is important. But that it was my life and my choice. I wish that he was going to start this trip for recovery with me. Before it's to late. But that's his way. When and if he makes that choice I will return the favor that he has given me. I will support him and standby him. Until then I’m me. And my choice is to be clean today and hopefully for the rest of my life. I’m addicted to crystal and today I’m clean
--Sean - San Francisco, Ca., November 5, 2004

   it is really hard to not justify using meth when your own father is a user. He had been in prison for 25yrs and was released. He got together with a woman 37ys younger than him and then got into meth real bad. At one point they were both under investigation by DEA. His girlfriend had gotten pregnant not once but twice and when she went into labor with the 2nd child she was high and had to do a shot (iv)! before she was going to leave for the hospital. After she gave birth but before she got cleaned up, she got up and left the hospital because she overheard the nurses say they were going to drug test and call the police. In the mean time my Dad was out in the lobby and the nurse came to give him a drug test too. So they both took off and went to do more meth. Well the authorities did catch up with them and took both babies away. It took almost a year after that for my dad to realize that if they did not clean up that they would both either die or go to prison. I also told him that if he would quit and get treatment then so would I because you see this whole time I was right there doing the meth with them. It has now been almost three years and I can proudly say that all of us have been clean. My dad and Step-mom are about to have another baby and this time they will be allowed to keep it they had to go to Social Services and get tested every week during the entire pregnancy to prove that they were no longer using. I am very thankful and proud of my dad as well as myself. Meth can ruin your whole life not only while you are using but it can haunt you in your future
--chy:)

   I was an accomplised rock guitar player touring with various bands that I would rather not expose. I came home for some time off after a very long four years on the road to find that a my best friend of thirty years and his wife were hooked on meth. Things were not that bad yet, but things became bad very fast. So I thought I should do some thing to help them. The next thing I know , I''m right there doing meth with them. For the next three years of my life was a living HELL . I had lost everything I owned, almost 25,000 dollars worth of musical eqiupment my credit, etc... before I knew it my life had disappeard. I could write a thick book and make a movie out of the things I've seen. I knew that I had hit rock bottom and I had to rebuild my life, here are a few tips cleaning up.
   1.Do not have any contact with anybody that does meth, including friends and friends that you have known for years.
   2.Stay with someone like a family member that can help support you though this dryout time like sleep, eating and exercise.
   3. Take lots of time to realize what meth has done to you and how your going to get your life back.
   It may seem impossible to do, but you can do this all on your own. It's been three
years since I've been clean and I'm a much improved person a very happy and relaxed
person. NOW START CLEANING UP THE MESS!
--KEM

   My name is Jered. I've been using meth since I was fourteen. I'm nineteen now and still using. When I first started using everything seemed so awesome. I didn't feel depressed or worthless all the time. I didn't even think about it. I didn't care. Reality always seemed to just...fly by. I thought I had found a solution to all my problems. After a couple of months passed it became the cause of all my problems. I started skipping school to go get high. I was always getting in fist fights and I constantly argued with my friends and family. I stole from my family on a regular basis so I could get money for more. I pawned almost all of my most prized possessions. Heh, all the pawn shops in my town knew me on a first name basis. Sometimes I would find myself searching in the carpet for hours and hours on end looking for chunks that I thought I may have dropped. Most of the time I never really dropped any. I would find pieces of plastic or whatever else resembled the drug and snort it or stick it in my pipe and smoke it.
   I was kicked out of school my senior year for missing too many days. The girl I was with for two years dumped me. A couple of months ago my mom walked in on me in my room while I was about to shoot up. She locked me in the house for two weeks and took all my money. I wasn't even allowed to call anyone. I didn't do any drugs at all during that two weeks, but all I could think of was getting my hands on something. I didn't care what, but I felt like I needed ANYTHING to get high.
   Now I don't think I'm as bad as I was. I don't spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on it at a time. I don't find myself carpet dwelling for hours on end. But I'm always anxious, I'm always nervous, and I'm always depressed. I feel like the whole world is closing in on me. I miss the people that I love and that loved me. I feel like I've let everyone down. I want to stop, but as soon as someone mentions it I get even more anxious. I wish I could just stop and get my life back on track, but I feel like I have no way out. When I'm not on it I constantly think about all the mistakes I've made and will probably make if I keep doing it. Meth seems to give me the only break from reality I ever get. The drug has seriously messed what life I could've made for myself up, and even though I still use I encourage people to stay away from drugs. I feel like I've learned something from a mistake I keep making, and if I don't stop I'm afraid I might hurt myself or even someone I care about.
--Jered

   Hello. I to am a meth user, looking for a way out! I have herd that it will take everything from you and leave you with......it wont leave you! You must leave it!
   I have seen and felt the effects that many have gone through already. Most items are not really necessities such as my business, my credit, my bank account, my friends. Although some of the other items that are gone and or close to it, a person really needs such as: my teeth, My immune system, my train of thought, my health in general.
   In life as I have found out " you take a little you give back a hell of a lot more" When I made my trade (items above) I received way more than I took......Good deal!??? You decide!
   I received the following: constant sickness (due to lack of vitamins), excessive bloody noses (they would last from five min. to over an hour....try to explain that), no mussel tone, bad skin, bad breath, letters from the IRS (they are never good), head aches that last for twenty hours, new friends come to my house unexpected (local police dpt.), debt collectors are also my new friends.
   I have read many of these letters and believe that you make your own bed and you have to lie in it. I am going to burn my old one and make a new one. It is Sunday now so I will see all of you on Monday and you will see a new me. I promise!
   Words will come and go but a promise MUST NEVER be broken! Good luck to all who fight this battle!
--Barry

   I'm a 19 yr. old female, working my way through life but yet trying to also start school. I came across this web site in looking up the effects of meth. I've been using meth for about 6 or 7 months. i got really deep into the drug at first. i did finally find it in myself to quit. it was the hardest thing i think I've ever done. not only did i hide it from a lot of people i cared about, i would lash out at them when i was 'coming down'. they had no idea, and some to this day still done know i was using. i just thought like most teens i could try it once or twice and be done w/ it. yeah well little did i know how deep this drug gets you. i went from one addiction to another. i had recently quit drinking and someone asked if i had ever tried 'ice'. my first response was hell no, but after being informed on the effects, i wanted to try it. i tried it in the mind state of 'everyone try's everything once'. well like i said little did i know how hooked i could become. at first it was just a little fix here and there. and then it turned into a 24 hr fix. it got to the point of where if i wasn't 'high' on meth then i wasn't a pleasent person, nor was I happy on the inside. It soon became clear to a few of my close friends I had been hooked. they gave me what advice they could but still I didn't listen. It took a lot for it to finally sink in. I then quit cold turkey. now woah, that was a big mistake. I've never been through those kind of w/draws in my life. i felt as if my whole body was dying on the inside. i got sick for a while and finally kicked the habit. or so i thought. i think i was clean for about 2 wks to 3 wks. i then got introduced to some old friends and old habits. at first i turned it down, but i guess the addictive part of my body took over and I started up again. I do have to say the second time around is not like the first. its a whole new world. I mean I've been there done that, got the T-shirt, but now look I'm back to it all again. I've been currently using for about 2 months and I'm trying to quit yet once again. this time I'm taking it step by step. i do have to say its harder to quit the second time around. its unbelievable the effect this drug has on your body, mind, and soul. i have people who know what I've been through but yet they don't know I'm back to my old ways. i can actually say that this time is for real. I'm done. there's a point in everyone's life they can actually look at themselves and see what others see. I mean when I'm on the drug its the best feeling in the world, but when I'm coming down its the worst feeling. its like a roller coster. I've had my ups and downs. i do have to thank those people who have been here through it all. those are my 'real' friends. i thank god everyday for those people. w/ out them i couldn't be at the state i am today. i know by now you think you got me pictured. well I'm not what i at least thought a meth user looked like. i'm a regular 19yr old girl growing up, trying to make something of my life. I have always had the things I've wanted. and if my mom found out this could break her. I've hidden this for this long so I see it as I can hide it until I finally quit and quit for good this time. I'm not writing this to tell people to quit using meth, I'm writing this to inform them that there is more than meth out there. I'm also not asking for any sympathy, I'm not asking for anything but to let people know that there are other people like you out there. this is for that person that looks at this web site and says 'well i agree w/ that but that's not me'. well honestly a meth user is a meth user no matter how well you sugar coat it. so don't think your not like me or anyone else on this site. If anything you'll hopefully learn from our mistakes and catch it early enough so you wont be like us.
--ex/ current meth user

   Man, I sure wish there was some way that I could quit the daily input of meth into my body. I've been doing it for about 15 years straight, I do it everyday. I'm 42, male, married with 3 kids, hiding it from everyone. If I don't smoke it everyday, I can hardly function. Every year or so my wife catches me, either pops up unexpectedly right when I'm blowing out a big cloud in the bathroom or finds a glass pipe or smells it on me or something. She gets all agro, threatening divorce and whatever. She used to do it with me years ago but quit. I could probably quit successfully if I entered a rehab program but I can't go away for any amount of time for multiple reasons, my job, and watching my kids while my wife works. Plus she would not be optimistically supportive of me, she'd basically belittle me and treat me badly. Every now and then my connection will fade away, either by getting busted or moving away or quitting, but then I just find someone else. I've written to a pastor, spoke with numerous doctors, friends, strangers, I just can't quit. One of the things I did after my wife found a pipe of mine a year or so ago was to go to a drug free support group at church on Wednesday nights, cried and explained how much I wish I could quit doing it. I went for a month or so, smoking meth both on the way there and on the way home. It's like I have no control over myself, I can say to myself don't do it, quit...........but then a different part of me grabs the cell phone and makes the call, and If the side of me that wants to quit tries to talk me out of it the other side doesn't listen. I know it probably sounds rather dumb or else like I must not really be sincere about quitting but I really can't control it or stop doing it. I'm wondering if there are any outpatient programs, incognito ones, or if there are any kind of prescription drugs I could get to make my body and mind not crave it everyday. I've been discussing it with the newest doctor I've been going to and she's looking into it she says, she says I have to go into rehab for 30 days or so but I can't do that, she understands and is looking into outpatient type of programs. Anyway, thanks for listening, and any helpful hints or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
--lowlife - Huntington Beach, California

   I've just visited your website for the first time. I was hear hoping to find something that I could print out. I wanted to leave it for my husband to read. In hopes that maybe he would....see the reality of what this stuff is doing to our family. We have 3 beautiful girls. Our oldest is 8, then 3, and our littlest one turned 2 a couple weeks ago. Our problems started about 3 years ago. We were both using on a regular basis and as usual we ended up arguing. Well, I left the house went next door to the neighbors, and called my Dad (who lives in Orlando) to come and get me and the girls (we only had the two oldest ones at the time...the 3 year old was only about 7 months old) I just needed a bread from him and all the chaos! Long story short, my dad was on his way....and he told me to call the sheriff. My husband at the time had guns in the house so I was a little scared at what he might do. My uncle who lived not far came right away, to stay w/ me till my dad got there. Well, after my dad arrived we decided that I would leave for the night. I was inside getting some clothes together when the sheriff asked me for my license. I gave it to him and then he place me under arrest. He said the my husband said that I hit him in the face. Of all the times we didn't get physical w/ one another, (which was pretty often...our oldest has seen him choke me, throw me around, he's hit me in the face so hard once he popped a blood vessel in my eye, and the white of my eye was all bloody, he's left bruises the sizes of softballs on my arm.) HE LIED. HE LIED TO STAY IN CONTROL OF ME!!!! He watched me be taken in hand cuffs while holding our baby girl. Our oldest girl was visiting that weekend w/ her real father, so thankfully she didn't have to see that. He just sat there and grinned at me. I realize now that was his way of staying in control. Because he knew once I left w/ my Dad, there was nothing he could do. Well, long story short after being seperated for 3 months, my mom paying $6,000 for an atty. to fight the charge b/c I knew I did nothing wrong that night. I decided to come back to him. I ended up having to take the charge b/c my mom, dad, & stepmom, and 2 of my neighbors refused to testify at the hearing set b/c I came back to him. Which I totally understand. I was ordered to take 26 weeks of anger management classes. THE BEST THING I EVER DID!!! I've been clean since the night of my arrest, Sept. 8, 2001. I believe that was the best thing that could've happed to me. Things for him haven't changed much. He's made a lot of promises. He's quit a few times, but not for more than 3 months. This is what I have a hard time w/ I tell him I'm not mad but disappointed in the fact he gave into it, AGAIN!!!!! BUT NOW, things are really getting bad. I believe its starting to affect his mind and his ways of thinking. He took a new job in October which he won't tell me how much he is making. Ever since he was fired from his job, that he had for 8 years, back in April of 2001 he hasn't been able to keep a steady job. But anyhow, He just puts about the same amount in the bank every week. I think he's still keeping about $100-200 a week for himself though. Of course to keep himself going. This last 2 weeks though he's got in head that I'm cheating on him...he checks the phones when he comes in, questions me about what I did and so on. It's getting really bad. I would never do that to him. I just don't have the strength to give time to anyone else ya know. And w/ 3 girls, all in gymnastics, one on competion level...I have no time either. I mean the moods are extreme from one day to the next. He comes home and he's in a good mood...but that can change in a matter of minutes or hours. I think he's feeling this way b/c I've gotten to the point where I don't wait up for him at night, I don't argue w/ him over anything anymore. I'm so busy w/ the girls all the time too. I've learned here that I have to make a life w/ or without him a part of it. I can't wait on him to come home to do things or wait up at night when he's left to go get more to make sure he's ok. I can't do that to myself anymore!!! I actually just find ways to not talk. It seems easier than trying to deal w/ him and his messed up ways of thinking ya know. He always thinks I'm trying to argue w/ him or I'm being on the defense. I believe this drug is taking over his mind...but worse than ever now. He walks around here w/ that look on his face that says "poor me". And frankly, I'm tired of the selfishness. He truly is a selfish person, I know this, But he has a good heart and he loves his girls..and they love there daddy so much. I just don't know what to do....I love him, I really do..and I want to help him...but I don't think he wants to be helped. He says that I throw up his drug use everytime we argue about something. But bottom line is thats my only problem w/ him....I've told him that a 100 times too!!!!!! Its not an excuse its the truth about how I feel. I don't know how to help! I don't know what to do. Everyone else's answers are just leave. But I don't think that's what he needs, for another person to give up on him...but I'm at the point some days where I don't care if he comes home or not. But I do want him to come home...does that make sense??? He comes home and the first place he goes is to the bathroom. When he gets up he goes straight to the bathroom. That's were he spends alot of time here lately...of course I know why. Well I guess I stop here...I could go on for another 2 or 3 pages. But my eyes can't take no more crying this morning..and the girls are starting to wake up...they don't need to see mommy crying. If there is any suggestions, I know I've read so many...but anything else you have would be great. Sincerely,
--Loving & Sad Wife in Florida

   I am 39 years old and have been using meth off and on (mostly on) for 20 years. This is Saturday October 13, 2004. This past Wednesday I buried my best friend. He had a heart attack last Saturday, and now he is gone. Same age as me, also a 20 year user. Myself and another close friend have decided to not let his death be for nothing. We are, together, going to kick this. We have to. We are both out of work, have lost just about everything including our friend. We have honestly been high 24/7 for a straight 3 months. As of this writing, we haven’t had a hit in 24 hours. I know that we have not even begun to see the worst of this, not by a long shot.
   Thank you for this website! We both are drawing great strength from all the letters from our peers. The memories of our dear friend are giving us the will, thank you all for the encouraging examples of how our world will be!
--J

COME PLAY

Come play with me, it’s such a nice day.
How ‘bout a bump? Now what do you say?

I’ll stick by you, and you’ll stick by me.
I’ll be your companion, just wait and see.

I’ll fill you with hope; things will all seem just fine.
And you will believe, this illusion of mine.

Now that you’ve tried me, i rule your head.
And it won’t be long now, you’ll wish you were dead.

I’ll take all that’s yours, and add to my treasure,
all that you’ll trade for this illusion of pleasure.

So no more complaining, i warned you forthright.
I told you quite clearly; i’d turn daytime to night.

Go look in the mirror, now what do you see?
The hollow remains of what used to be?

If you want to check out, please don’t use a gun.
Come play with me; i’ll get the job done!

Your “friend”
Methamphetamine

--dan

   My name is Cindi, and I was a daily user of meth for 7 years. I am 43 years old, and have been clean since July 31, 2002. I went through 8 months of intensive outpatient treatment, and it has been worth it. I wonder now why I ever tried meth in the first place. I lost my home, my kids, my husband, my self-respect. The trip back to sanity has been difficult at times, however so totally worth it! My daughter lives with me and boyfriend. My ex-husband has finally also decided to quit, and since he got out of jail, as far as I know he's been clean. I still have difficult days where I miss the rush, the carefree feeling of being high. But it's not worth losing everything I have worked so hard for. To all those who are new to fighting the battle, take heart. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I don't mean the lighter on the bottom of the glass pipe! Keep at it and don't give up or give in.
--Cindi

   Hi. I have been to your website several times before I actually decided to tell my story. I am a 17 year old girl and I have had a perfectly fine life up until September of this year (2004). A friend of mine sold meth and I knew about it and he would always offer it to me and I would always say no and he was fine with it. The very day that I started using I was preaching to everyone how I would never try it. Well I tried it and I loved it. That was a Friday night and I think I did it Saturday and Sunday at about 4 in the morning because I had to go to work at 7 in the morning Monday and if I didn’t do dope I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day. Well I smoked with my friend and I went to work spun and everything was fine, until I started to crash. It was terrible, the worst feeling in the world and that’s when I said I would never do it again. And I didn’t do it the rest of the week. Well Friday came around and my parents were out of town for the weekend and so I decided why not, I can just do it for the weekend, well I got my best friend hooked on it that weekend too. We were up the whole weekend and I’m not going to lie, we had a lot of fun. Then we started to crash again on Sunday. It was terrible. We didn’t go to school on Monday because of our crash. We felt the whole world was out to get us. Then Tuesday came around. I skipped school to go do dope and I did it at lunch and after school until I had to go home. I didn’t sleep at all that night and I did more on Wednesday before I had to go to work and then my best friend was going to sleep at my house and we were going to sneak out and go do more dope. Well we snuck out and everything was fine until my cell phone rang and it was my mom telling us to get home. We didn’t go home until about 3 and by then I screwed up my high because I got in a huge fight with a friend and so I went directly to sleep until I had to get up and go to school Thursday. Well my parents took away my car because of that but I didn’t care. My mom dropped me off at school and I just had my dealer pick me up there and I went to his house and slept through first period, second period, and lunch (we only have 4 classes a day). I went to school and then had my dealer pick me up half way through fourth period and I thought I could just have him take me home. Boy was I wrong, we were at a friends house when my parents came flying down the road and ripped me and my best friend out of the car and took us down to the police station! We were busted. They knew we were on drugs so we had to come clean. They put us in the local girls home for five whole days and it was hell. After that we said we would never do it again but about 3 weeks later we were doing dope again. Only this time we had to sneak around even more because we were grounded. We would sneak out of our houses at night and go hang out with our boyfriends and smoke dope. We then started to crank and angel dust also. One night my parents let my best friend stay the night and our boyfriends gave us some dope to do and we did it and we were up the whole night. The next day we told my parents that we were going to my friends’ house, but we really went to see our boyfriends to get some more dope. We must have lost track of time because my mom showed up at the house we were at and my friend and we freaked out. We didn’t think we could go home because we thought our parents would put us back in the girls home so we ran away. We were gone for 4 days before the police finally caught up with us and arrested us. We got off lucky though. Both times we have been busted we didn’t get charged with anything. My friend and I are both in counseling for our problem. It’s really hard to deal with. I am trying to get out the true information on meth to everyone in my school, because I didn’t know anything about it except how good the high is. I crave it everyday and it’s a problem I am going to have to face for the rest of my life. I just want everyone to know that it is a terrible drug and no one should have to go through what I have gone through in the past two months. It takes a hold of your life that fast and screws it up. Everyone needs to be careful. Thanks for listening.
--Sami

   Well I wrote to you back in December of 2003. I am writing you to tell you I stayed clean of meth until August of 2004. Yes just a few months ago. A "Dope cook" (my now ex-husband) got of prison in July. I thought I could say no to it. But when it is there in front of you it is so hard. I smoked it at first then I shoot it AGAIN. Boy was that a mistake. I now battle those awful cravings. I do not crave it as much as I used to. But i am scared they will become real bad again. I also watched my boyfriend at the time go from saying he hated needles and would never put one or let someone put one in one of veins. To now that is the way he prefers to do METH. I have lost one man I love to this evil drug now I am scared I am going to lose two. Where I live is a place people refer to as "Speeder creek lake" I live in a really small town. Also back in July I had a really good friend of mine murder because of this drug. I have watch it do nothing but tear my world and everyone else's world it touches apart. This drug makes people's lives a living hell. I do not think you can judge this drug unless you have been on it or know someone who has. I have done the picking and had the suicidal thoughts. I have thought people were out to get me. I have mad a complete fool of myself on more than one occasion I can think of. I never thought I would do this drug again. But I guess the saying once an addict always an addict is true. The biggest step is to admit and accept you have a problem. From there it is all up to the individual person. METH is my DOC. Demon of chose and that is what it is. It is a chose. No one caused this relapse but me. trust me I have tried blaming a few people. I have chose this drug over everyone. My self. My children. My parents & my close friends. One time me and my ex was doing it and I was rude to my now best friend because I was high on METH and did not want her to know it. I have tried to hide it from everyone. But I think the only person I am fooling is myself. I know I am addicted. Now All I have to do is be more powerful han the drug. I really have to be strong for not just me but my kids. I have also learned never say forever because that is an uncertain amount of time. I just hope to be able to stay clean and not use anymore.
Jeri

  I started using drugs when I was 14. First I started with alcohol then weed then meth. I used meth twice and realized very quickly how destructive it was. I was extremely depressed afterwards. I blew up at school and spit in a girl's face and lost all but one of my friends. I decided to quit everything and start new. Within a month I was pregnant. Now what. I was fifteen in 9th grade and I didn’t know what to do. My boyfriend (now husband of 6 years) was so hooked on the stuff and I knew he couldn't be a husband or father until he was clean. I told him I wouldn't marry him until he was sober for 90 days. We married and that's when the troubles began. My husband was high on weed everyday and was still using meth on occasion. His parents are users of meth his dad has used for over 12 years and so has his mom. His mom would come over all the time paranoid that "they" were coming to get her. All the while they have a young child at home watching all the crap go on. They got divorced last year because of all the shit. His dad is going to jail for drug charges. His mom just got out of rehab last week. His younger brother is in prison on drug charges. My husband and I quit and are living a good life. Except watching those you love be destroyed. Pain and suffering for those who are sober and can't do anything to stop the cycle. When does the pain stop! I am going to do something to help. I am going to volunteer to educate people about this devil drug.
--T

   Hi, my name is daphne, im 21 and i have been on meth for 5 yrs. I never thought 10 years ago i would struggle with a huge problem that im not sure if ill ever get through, at least thats what it feels like.
   Seventeen, my first time. "You do the drugs dont let the drugs do you", my friend told me as i stood over the first line. Little did i know at that time that what i was told was not true and for 3 days i saw the sun rise. I was hooked.
   You never know how deep you can get until you can reach bottom and remember you cant swim. I could have it when i wanted it, 24-7. My boyfriend was the
cook, and i became his student. I got the pills and all the other things we needed. I loved my life, it was like tv, until 1 year later when i would see the bad side and tv would turn into reality.
   I started to get sick and my body phisically and mentally started to show it. I lost 25 lbs, putting me at 75lbs, the size of most 4th graders. My finger nails started to turn black and rot off. I had beautiful long blond hair, i cut it all off because it was all falling out. At one time i had no cavitys. Now my teeth have 11 cavitys, and are rotting. Worst of all i changed. I became moody and i seperated my self from all my friends. I had a bad trip, no sleep makes you see and hear things, i cut all my clothes up and lost my house. I have lost almost every thing i have had since i was a kid from liveing in 4 differant places at once. I lost my self, my standards, and my friends. I broke my parents hearts, and lost there trust. What life gave me, dope took away.
   For five years i have lost jobs and have been liveing with my parents on and off. Face it, no job, no money, no nothing. I cant keep a job because i now have severe anxiety, when you hide in your house for 5 years you forget what life is. I didnt want any one too see me, what would they think? I dont go alone any where now, only to my comfort zones. Between no sleep, and the drama dope throwes at you, you loose all your friends. At least i did. The world turns against you, well the world you built around reality does. When the dope is gone so are your so called friends, leaving you alone. I never knew you could use your self but you can and when you come down and you are alone you think about that. Then you realize Your "friends" also used you. Crazy how you dont remember that every time they come and go, but you forget alot when your "up" or you just dont think about it because thats what causes parinoia. No need to ruin a good high right?
   I struggle with the question "would i change it if i could go back?". I am stuck in the middle. Its took every thing from me, so yes i would but no i wouldnt because it taught me alot and as long as i am "up", i can escape. Even if its only 24 hours. I wonder sometimes if ill ever quit. I have, but the only reason why is i stay away from every one who does it. Then i get that feeling. I start to think about the high and before you know it i have my number book out calling "friends". Then when i cant find it i get mad, because just remembering the high makes me smell and tast it. I half to smoke pot to feel better and calm down. Acually, i smoke pot every day just to be able to eat, sleep and replace that "up" feeling.
   I live with the fact every day that i screwed up my life and i let the meth do it to me. Just like alcoholics the problem will never go away for me. Like one last drink, theres one last high and just like there will always be bars, there will always be dealers. Therfore i will always be tempted when confronted, and i wll relaps eventually. Mental addiction is worse than chemical for one reason, if you think you half to have it you convince your self, and only you can change your mind and you cant change your mind because you are inlove with a feeling and the thoughs and memory of it never go away. Would I change it all if i could? I dont know. I do know that i would stop someone from doing meth if they never done it before. Give someone a chance, why let someone ruin there life when i know what meth has done? You cant decide for them but you can let them know what there in for if they make thats choice. I just wish someone would have told me the things meth caused instead of makeing it out to be the life, at least i would have known. I still might have done it, but at least i would have had a chance. A chance to think about it instead of being convinced.
-- daphne

   Wow! My name is Katie. I have been a user for 6 years. I am 23 now. Every day I live for this drug. Nothing good has come from this habit. I have nothing but a loving family. I am grateful for them. I started off snorting meth. Then smoking. Them shooting. I still do it, any way I can get it. I'll probably have to quit soon. I'm facing some prison time. Felonies are adding up. Maybe then i'll quit. But not by choice. Even if I did, what would I do with this life. I'm 23 years old. It isn't like I just finished high school. That was five years ago. I don't even know where the days have gone. All I want is a shot. I hate it when i'm not high. Today is Thanksgiving. Last year on this day, I had been up for days. On some shine. This guy told me he was falling in love with me. He asked me to stop banging. But I didn't. I didn't realize then. Or listen. Or even know who I was. Man I was out there. I miss him. I wonder some times where would I be if I had never used? And what would I be doing? But know I can't picture life without meth. I don't see how I would function. I don't see me being fat. I have a lot of good times. And some bad. Right now I am not high. I do less now than ever. Not by choice. I pray to God things will be different for me someday. And I pray If you have never used don't ever!!!!
--Katie

   I first started to use crystal when I was 15 years old. My best friend was living with me at the time and one day we started talking about trying crystal to lose some weight because we knew some friends of ours who had done it, and according to us they looked really good and skinny. At first it was just something that had crossed our minds, but we weren't exactly sure if we were actually going to go through with it. Until one day in the middle of my sophomore year, my friend Nita and her sister had asked me to hide a sock that contained a clear bag of crystal the size of a grown mans' fist in my gym locker. There was a rumor that was going around that had reached our principal that they were storing drugs in their locker, and they needed someone to help them out. And of course they asked me because they knew that I was the type of person that would do almost anything to help out a friend in need. I didn't know what it was at first because I never opened the sock and I never asked them what it was. I figured that it wasn't mine so I had no business snooping around, going through someone else's stuff.
   After they were all clear and free from getting in trouble with the school, they told me that what I had in my locker was what they called "tweak", and that their step-father manufactured it and if I wanted, they would give me as much as I wanted for free to take home and do with my friend. I was very skeptical at first because I knew it was bad for me but I was so anxious to try it out to lose weight that I put aside all of my morals and everything that my parents had taught me about making the right chioces and not giving in to what I know is wrong...I accepted it. I was about to embark on a long, dark, rough journey that consisted of fun, tears, fears, disappointment, disgust and embarrassment.
   We first started using it by mixing it in our coca-cola's and pepsi's because we were so affraid of sniffing it. The concept of something comming through our noses was inconceivable and disgusting. But my friend Nita told us that we were "wasting" it and that we should try snorting because she was giving us a lot and by snorting it, it would be "better." So that was when we started getting out of control. We would never eat, never sleep, we became pale, we always had cotton mouth and the pound just melted away. Now that I look back, it was horrible; but at the time we felt on top of the world. We looked good, it was keeping us awake, I was at the top of my class because when I was on it there was nothing to do some times but my home work. It was almost like God had answered my prayers...until a few months later my mom found it while she was cleaning our room while we were at school. Nothing hurts more than your parents being so hurt and disappointed in you that they start to cry because they feel like they have failed as a parent. We felt horrible and embarrassed and stupid because we could not believe how much it had affected them. My parents did not raise me to make such horrible choices, they brought me up so well in every aspect that for me to do what I did was absolutely horrific. We promised my parents that we would never do it again and that we were sorry to have ever disappionted them. But of course we didn't learn our lesson. My parents told me that I was not allowed to ever talk to my friend Nita and her sister again and they made sure of it, but we found another connection but instead of getting it for free, we would save our lunch money and at the end of the week we would use it to by $50 every Friday. It wasn't until a year-and-a-half later I came to my scences and decided to quit.
   Next month I am going to be 17 and I have been clean for three months. It's very hard but I know I can do it. My parents still don't know that I had continue to tweak but I know that if I tell them, it would be unbearable for them to handle. So I decided that I am going to quit myself. I am so proud of my self because I know that I can make something of myself. I was so lucky that I didn't let my academics become affected because I still have a chance of getting into some really good college. By this time next year, I plan on attending a four-year college attempting to major in medicine and one day becoming a general practitioner. I have applied to UCLA, UC San Diego, UC Irvine, UC Riverside and UC Santa Barbara with the chance of being accepted to at least three. I now know that I have something worth living for. I've stopped depending on drugs to lose weight, I'm healthy, I'm becoming more fit, I have a hobby of playing golf and most of all...I'm SO HAPPY!!!
--Crystal