All my life I wanted to be able to do all the things that my mother did. She raised two daughters, worked full-time, kept an immaculate home, cooked a full meal every night, stayed slender and always seemed to have more energy than she knew what to do with. The woman was up at 7:00 a.m. and didn't stop until after dark. I still amazes me. But somehow I never measured up.
   Then one night a couple of friends asked if I would like to try "crank". I had heard about it, and decided I would try it. WOW! It was awesome - and I knew I was hooked from that moment on.
   Meth made me everything that I wasn't. Meth gave me everything I lacked. I was full of energy. I lost weight. Suddenly I had a passion for cleaning things. I was motivated, outgoing, outspoken, interesting, confident, and oh-so alert!! The question for me became "why NOT do meth?"
   I got clean in 1995, while pregnant with my daughter. I stayed clean for about 3-1/2 years. During the first "dance with the devil" I lost everything. When I relapsed, it only took 17 months to loose everything that I had worked for during those 3-1/2 years clean.
   I lost my daughter first. My family kept trying to get me to admit that I was using again. I thought I had it under control and was "maintaining" pretty well. But, as they say in N.A.: "I was only fooling myself." The next thing to go was my job, then my home, and then my car.
   All of those things would be enough, wouldn't you think? Well, I only mentioned the material things. The immaterial things that I lost were worth a lot more. I guess the biggest thing I lost was myself. Meth turned me into a person that I didn't know. Everything that I was when I was clean was the COMPLETE and TOTAL OPPOSITE of what I became on meth.
   I'm proud to say that I have been clean for almost 19 months. I am no where near where I was when I relapsed, but I am getting there. I still don't feel "normal" but that is okay. I did a lot of damage over the past 10 years and I figure it will take at least that long to get it back together.
   The difference for me today is that I look at each day as a blessing and an accomplishment. Everyday I get a little bit better than I was yesterday. I have experienced restoration in all areas of my life, and TODAY I HAVE HOPE!!!!
   Let me end by saying that it is purely by GOD'S GRACE that I am able to share my story today. Without HIM, I am nothing but a worthless addict looking to get high. He has made me complete.
--Super Woman

   My friend wrote this but I totally reminisce with every thing. I'm a 16-year-old female, who’s been doing dope for four years and May 3, 2003, was my first day clean and I've been clean since. Of course it hard but I hope to God and myself that I can stay clean for the sake of the rest of my friends on dope, you know who you are. I so badly want to save them: Cody--I love you; Conrad--I love you, bro; Brandini–I love you, bro; Samantha L.-- I love you, sis; Mike, Zach, Laura, John Michael, Josh, Trista, Shelby–I love all of you! You all mean the world to me! I want ya'll to know I'd rather die for you than ever live without you and from ‘til forever may you feel my immeasurable, indescribable & infinite Love! -----I pray for all those either suffering from this disease of addiction or recovering from it! You all have my highest hopes and know that you’re not alone--there’s always me!
--Krazy Girl

   This is my personal true story. I have been a meth addict. Some people call it crank. HBO did. I called it speed, dope, and crystal methamphetamine. I am 22-years-old. As of the moment I'm committing this to the written word, I am addicted to alcohol. Keep reading if you want to. I'm not a total idiot. Sometimes. But I am still alive. Which is saying something. Most people who use are dead before they make it to old. There are a few who live longer than you'd think they would. But most of us burn out too soon to live it up. I'm not entirely sure I'm lucky. All I know is, I'm alive. And I feel that I need to give warning. I knew nothing about drugs that prepared me to what could happen. And if I reach one single, solitary person by writing this, maybe I'll have made up for a tiny part of the evil I know I am part of still. Even though I've been clean, meth-free for a while now. It's destroying my brain still. It has caused me to do an incredible number of things no rational mind would consider doing. A mind altered by meth is no longer a rational mind. And to my dismay, to my fear, to my disappointment, and to my despair -neither is my mind. I cannot trust the thoughts that come into my head. The choices I made abused the gifts I was given by birth. And if you understand that, you know the sorrow, hopelessness, the exhaustion and the total loss of life that comes about because of it. This was not supposed to sound depressing. Know this. Use meth - and nothing, nothing, not one solitary single thing that used to bring you pleasure, happiness, or even just a smile to your face will ever do so ever again. Use meth, and I won't dream of judging you for it. Use meth, and just know that you are consciously eradicating all that's good and pleasurable in your life forever. I won't even blame you for not listening to these words. I sure as hell didn't. I didn't want to. And I used pounds of the shit. At the end, I was smoking more cut than dope. My throat swelled up so that I couldn't breathe anymore. I had been "Up" for two weeks. And I knew I hated the chemicals that hit me with that crap. But that didn't and doesn't change the addiction, now does it? I want it everyday. Every f**king minute. No one can say different, without lying. That is just the way it deals. But sometimes hope will penetrate. And I hope to God that I can prevail. I am not without help. Like I said, I'm lucky, blessed, etc. I have two parents who love me - maybe even more than I love meth. I've got a boyfriend who says he loves me more than life itself. And I love him that much if not more. I have two sisters. I have a brother. I am the oldest and I fear wasting a single moment with them. But still I long for some everlasting dreamless sleep. Someplace that I'm not scared. Somewhere I am not 'less than'. I'm not finished with this yet. My attention span is. I'll continue soon.
--Jennifer

   I'm almost 25 years old and my boys will be 6 and 2 in August. I was so in love with this man that I ignored the fact that I had a son and went out partying with this guy every day. I lost my job and everyone I loved who tried to warn me. A month after we were together we found out I was pregnant. Well, when I told him I could not go through with an abortion he freaked out and said he wasn't ready for this and I should've believed him and walked away then, but I didn't. I stayed with him trying to convince myself that eventually he would come around, and he did, for a while. We moved into our own place and my son had his own room and they would go fishing and spend time bonding, but what I didn't want to see was the emotional abuse that was taking place. He would come home at three a.m. and wake us up “schitzing out” standing by the windows. By the time I was seven months pregnant, I had lost my job and he changed the locks and told me to leave. Heartbroken and depressed, I had to move into a hotel with my mother. When I went into labor he actually showed up. He held his brand new son and called his friends to tell them that maybe this could be his own flesh and blood. About a month later we took a paternity test and proved to him that, indeed, he did have a child. He had quit smoking pot and doing coke and was only smoking ice. We would get a hotel room and get high, with our son in the room, and I would go home..no sleep and irritable. That was only on the weekends. I finally got my own apartment and he slowly moved his things in and the ice was never ending. Every once in awhile when I hadn't slept for days I would get very depressed and want to quit doing that and become normal like I once was. The cravings would make me crazy and he would tell me just to smoke a little bit so I'll feel better. It seemed like I was lost with no hope. My older son told me he didn't want me anymore and went to stay with my mother, so it was just the two of us with a one-year-old baby that spent most of his time watching movies and playing by himself. The only time I left the house was to go get groceries and diapers and I would rush back home for another hit. I knew I didn't want to live like that but he made me believe that I couldn't do anything about it. Even when he would hold me down and tell me "if I don't fight him, it won't hurt", I would just cry..that's all I could do. I spent five months fighting this hopeless battle of never sleeping, eating, or being out in public. One day my sister decided to come in town for a visit and when she saw me she started crying and said I look like I was dead. I was very pale and had gone down to 90 lbs. and I had scabs all over my body from picking at my skin thinking I had some kind of bugs crawling on me. Thank God, she decided to stay with me and get him away. She had no idea what was really going on and why I looked like this. I didn't know how to tell her I was poisoning my body purposely. My moods swings and temper kept getting worse and she finally had enough and got in my face yelling about how I have become so cold-hearted and crazy. It happened--I found a place to go for treatment and gave her the phone number and let it all out. What a relief that was..I spent two weeks in a treatment center without seeing anybody I knew and learning about what I was doing to myself. I was finding a person I never knew existed...sober and happy. My mother and sister got a place with us so I could work and go back to school to become someone that my boys can be proud to call "mommy." It was a long hard road, but I have come so far and I don't ever want to go back. I love to come home from work and have two little boys running to hug me..That's what life should be all about, not the nightmare I was living before. It takes a lot of strength to want to walk away and if I can do it I believe anyone can...
--Candie

   Dear KCI, I am writing to support your network. It is a real helpful program for those that have problems with this drug. People need to know how affective this drug can be to someone’s life. It is a very addictive drug, I know. I think that this drug is really taking over the world, people that are manufacturing the drug just aren’t getting sentenced to the amount of time that should be given to them. This drug is so strong and easy to make, and there should be stronger consequences for these actions. I lost everything I had because of this drug. I am now a recovering addict. I have been on and making this drug since I was 16. It took everything from me and I am now slowly gaining some of those things back. I strongly support programs or anything else that helps educate people about the harms of methamphetamine, especially addicts that want to recover. I know that I had to have help to get where I’m at today. Its not easy. Thank you for your time. If you would respond it would be greatly appreciated. I hope to share more experience, strength, and hope if it would help.
--Kerri

   Hey. I'm 15 and I've been using meth for nine months. I'm addicted. I've been sober for about three weeks now, but not by choice. And it's been hell for me--I can't eat, sleep, think, or feel the right emotions at the right times. I didn't know what I was getting into and when I realized I was already to f**ked up. If dope wasn't so much fun at first it would be a lot easier. The saddest part to me is that I can't re the last nine months at all. I should have stopped when I realized that my thinking wasn't the same, but did I? No. Now I feel as though I can't have fun or be happy without dope. I love it when my pupils are huge and I'm all f**ked up. I don't know maybe I'm just f**ked up. I just read a whole bunch of the letters and I can't tell you my story- I can't re any of it. What made meth so appealing to me was that it made me not care about anything that was going on around me. I was quitting weed when I found speed, that was a stupid substitution. The craziest part is that I was going out with this guy when I first tried it back in September. He broke up with me because he said I was a "tweeker." At that time it was a lie--I had only tried it with him a few times and he was a heavy user  (I didn't know it at the time). Then we got back together in March and we were spun every moment we were together. I wish I could say that our relationship wasn't based on dope- but reality is it was . I'm hoping I can find the strength and get through this because its killing me mentally. It’s a war I wish I would have never started- a road that does not need to be traveled anymore. I've found out that drugs are stronger to love to some people- to others love is drugs. Thanks for listening
--Ashley

    Hello, I just wanted to share my story, and that I have decided not to use meth any longer. I was and am now six years clean of cocaine and heroin, but I can say I never touched a needle at least...but last August, in 2002, I met a guy who became my boyfriend. He was, at the time, a month and a half clean. Me–I was on five years and I had never really done meth before, except twice when I was about 18 or 19 and I didn’t really like it much, so I never did it again. My BF was doing concrete making $23 an hour and he was the nicest, sweetest guy I had ever met especially compared to my past relationships. Then, about a month or two into our relationship, he relapsed and I went down with him. It’s now going on the end of May and I just ended our relationship this morning. He was staying with me and my mom, and we were to get our own place. The landlord ended up kicking him out of the building and he is now on the streets with no where to go or live. A couple of weeks ago, I walked the streets with him for two days as I have a big heart and don’t like to see people suffer. And I had lived on the streets for two years when I was 13 until I was 15. At first it was OK to do the meth with him, there was lots of sex, but then if we weren’t having sex, we were always fighting....then about a month ago, it got to the point where he would get disillusioned (like him thinking he won the lotto, but he really didn’t) and that I was holding the money in different accounts, even all his friends told me they knew I never won anything. He threatened to kill me--then the next minute he loves me. I still love him. He left me three times and went back to his ex-girlfriend. Then he comes back to me and everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I am at the point where I don’t know if what he says is real or not and I know that I don’t want to touch the stuff again because of how I see him when he is on it. I’m always having to defend myself and he is always calling me a liar, a cheater, and telling me that I’m against him, and out to get him, which makes me confused on how he feels about me. I have not touched meth for about five days now and I’m at the point where it just makes me sick because of how it makes him think. I didn’t think the way he did and I still trusted him. I understand the power of addiction, but how can you have love without trust? I talked to his ex this morning for about an hour, and found out about a whole bunch of lies he has told her and me and I told him to f**k off not to call me anymore and that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, and that it was over. He called me later in the afternoon, but I wasn’t here–I was at the dentist. I found something else out–I have eight cavities and I can guess what that is from as I have never had that many, not even when I was doing crack. I brush regularly, but was disgusted. It’s really hard when you love someone to see them suffer. The relationship didn’t make me happy with the accusations all the time, but I want to be there for him. It’s so sad. I don’t crave the meth. I have asthma that I developed from crack and then it went away. The meth has made the asthma even worse--worse then it was with crack. All I can do is ask him if he wants to go to detox, or maybe, just let him go and avoid his calls. All his friends and family have turned their backs on him. I don’t know what else I can do.

   I am writing to get this off my mind because I can't talk to anybody about this because I break down. Every time I talk about it I seem to break down in tears. On June 23, 2002, I woke up and went downstairs. My friend had slept over and he was sleeping, but my brother was not where he had fallen asleep. I looked for him everywhere and his shoes were upstairs, so I knew he had to be around somewhere. I went into his room, and it was totally silent, and I look up like right in the middle of his room and there he was. He had hung himself with his belt. The feeling that I had that day is still here today. My brother was into crank, (i.e. meth ) and drank a lot and smoked a lot of marijuana. It all started when he started to get into debt because of this habit. He started to owe people money. They were pissed and were looking for him. He had owed them about two thousand dollars. These people would come over looking for him and asking us if we knew where he was and of course we weren’t going to tell them. They would call acting as different people, coming over at 3:00 in the morning and looking through the windows with flashlights. My brother was going to be moving out the next day. I am out of time, if you could please give me a response, I would really appreciate it. Thanks,
--Josh

   Hi, I am a 41-year-old woman who has been married to the same man for 12 years now. Between us, we have three children which we were raising... his two and my one. Two years ago, my husband started using meth. I was not sure what our problem was, just that there was a major problem. Everything about him changed, from his personality towards me and the children, to a dysfunctional sex life. His attitude changed completely towards me and our children. I finally got enough last year and left him, still not realizing what the problem was. He had done meth many years before we were together and had outgrown it--I thought. I never would have thought at the age of 40 years he would turn back to it, especially knowing how I felt about it. During the six months that we were apart, he continuously begged me to come home. Since I still loved this man with everything inside me, I went home. It was worse than it had ever been. Finally, I realized what was wrong with him and started accusing. Needless to say, he continually denied it. I stayed with him for another five months with him still in denial. I would pack my things to leave again, and he would cry and beg and convince me to stay, and promise that he would act right, but still would not admit his addiction. I finally left him again. He is still begging me back, and I will admit that I have been seeing him and he seems to be clean. He says that he knows that the only way he will be able to have me is to remain clean. God forgive me, but I still love him very much. Both of his children have moved away because of his temperament during this time. My son is graduating from high school and heading to college in a couple of months. It is only he and I left. My question, I guess, is this... am I a fool for believing that he can stay clean? He has admitted everything to me, and is openly talking about it to me anytime I feel the need to ask questions. Trust is a major problem for he and I now, but I am working on trying to trust him again. He says he was smoking it, but says he has no problem resisting it now.. Am I stupid for even trying again? Is it really possible for him to stop? Is it possible for us to have the wonderful marriage that we had before? Or should I just get over my heartache and go on with my life? All of my family hates him and I realize that if I go back to him that will be another obstacle to overcome. Is it worth it? Do you give up on the ones that you love because they have an addiction? I don't know what to do.. I just know that I love him so much.... I know that you cannot be a "fix-all", but I will take any advice that I can get.
--Heartbroken

   I am 15-years-old and have currently been addicted to meth for a year now. My boyfriend doesn’t know I still do it. I know I am addicted after reading these letters and felt that it would be a good thing if I told you my little story. I steal money from my mom all the time to get it and I've almost lost my best friend over it. We are both doing it and we know we are addicted but all we do is sit back and watch as we spend our life away. I come from a family with a drug addicted past and now I have carried it on. I want to clean up so much but am afraid of what I will loose without it. I am currently trying to get help but am not sure on how to. I feel that if I don’t soon I will be like all the rest. I want to grow up and have kids and I will break this addiction one way or another cause I have lost my mom to it I will not loose my love...
--ANONYMOUS

   I have been reading all of the letters and all I can say to help anyone is when you decide to get clean and stay clean----STAY AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO DOES ANY KIND OF DRUGS!! Being around these kinds of people will inevitably cause a relapse!!!! I have been clean for a little over a month and staying away from these people has been soooo hard. Especially when I get bored or someone comes over to the house... not only did I have to break up with "crystal"-- I had to break up with all those "friends" who welcomed her into their life . I hope and pray that I will stay clean and ultimately with God I KNOW that I can!!!!!! I can honestly say this has been the hardest month of my life but I want a normal life. I have three children who deserve so much more than what they were getting!!!! I want to find the person I used to be before crank. I want to be me again and, yes, believe it or not I would rather be fat than strung out like I was... I’ve gained 25 lbs. since I’ve been clean and I don’t care!!!! I hope reading this has helped someone because I know just how hard it is ... I was actually browsing the meth sites to find out how much longer I have to deal with these withdrawals and strong cravings, the article I read said the first three months are the hardest.....One down and two more to go..... just take it one day at a time and pray for the strength you will need and stay away from people and places where drugs are going to be-----God bless!
--Alicia---Georgia

   Hi my name is Sherry, I am 40 now but when I was in my 20's I used speed everyday for 5 years. And I did it in my arms like allot of you addict letter writers did.
   It's a habit I was happy to break. It was easier to stop doing speed than it is for me to quit smoking. I just put the needle down one day and said that's it. Even though it has been many years since I last did some speed I sometimes have dreams about them. I wake up feeling as though I just did a big bump of it. Heart pounding, pulse racing. But I know what I want in my life and speed is just not it!
   The bad things with drugs of any kind is that they are so darn good. Heck if they were bad no one would use them. I am in no way supporting drug use.
   What we fail as adults to see is that some of the children that are on drugs now are suffering at home. Either by not getting the attention they need or the love and support they need. Or peer pressure. You have to re what it was like when we were teens. We always did the complete opposite of what our parents wanted us to do.
   I have a 7 year old he will get mad at me and tell me is going to hurt himself if he don't get his way. One day he went into the kitchen and picked the biggest knife in the drawer and said he was going to stab himself. I walked calmly into the kitchen, he stood there with the knife to his chest and I said "Ok I am here now go ahead and do it" He stood there stunned that I said that and then put the knife back in the drawer and went back to playing. Sure that don't always work. And no my son is not mental. But you see what I am saying.
   I am a very opinionated when it comes to drugs and drug users. The adult drug users I have no pitty for. They just need to get a life like I did. But the kids... Parents need to evaluate how they are raising them and what kind of example they are to their kids. Thanks for listening.....
---Sherry

   My ex wife is a meth addict and meth cook, or she was before being forced into a really good rehab. My two sons lived with her and while I knew she was doing something I was in denial as I trusted her; hell we were married for 16 years. Oh all the people at her house when I would go over to pick up the boys were just her friends, I didn't know she kept herself locked in her bedroom peeling the covers off matchbooks and smoking and shooting every fifteen minutes. How was I to know that her friends were convicted rapists, murderers, and thieves? Shit, her own parents lived right behind her and passed her house everyday "hey honey look at all the folks enjoying themselves at my daughter's house, wave at the grandkids."
   Well my oldest son found her little lab (over 500 grams) and told me about it on my weekend. We went to the cops and now she has found the most perfect little rehab situation, 22 years in the state penitentiary! And all those nifty little friends ran like cockroaches when a light is turned on. Here is a woman who went from being married, having a nice house, a 50,000 dollar a year job, nice cars, land in the country, two kids. She slowly lost it all; the job, the cars, the house, the kids, now just a 6x8 room with a small window. Yep meth is the way after all.
--K.C.

   First I would like to apologize for the extensiveness of the letter, but I ask you to take time to read the letter. Well just recently I read a few of the letters on you site that were from previous Meth users. I saw that people were posting there thoughts and questions on your site so I though that I would so the same, you could call this a question...
   Well I was introduced to meth at the age of 14 (In Ohio), except we call it Glass, which is supposedly higher grade of meth, but who knows. Anyway I instantly loved the drug and began to use it quite frequently, I was a runaway from home as well so that gave me much more time to use the drug, I paid for it several different ways but that isn't important. I started out snorting it, then tried shooting it up, after a while I tried smoking it as well. I mainly snorted and smoked it and occasionally shot it. Well I used meth for years to come, as well as Adderall very often. Mostly everyday in high amounts, the longest I ever stayed up was 6 days. I'm just trying to give you guys an idea as to what extent my addiction to meth was...
   As a result of my meth use, I have been to the hospital twice for I guess what you could call an overdose, my heart rate was at 178 beats per minute compare it to a normal 90 or so. It had with these waves of fear like the world was coming to an end or something like that. I had experienced paranoia and anxiety before years ago after a binge or when I was trying to come down, but nothing like how I was feeling at this moment. Well needless to sat I landed in the hospital with the accelerated heart rate and it wouldn't slow down so I was given a Benz diazepam to slow me down and prescribed Paxil for anxiety and told never to do it again or I will die. Well I heeded the warning for a while until I couldn't help but use again this run lasted for two days, then after finding myself in the hospital again with the same problem. Except this time my feet went numb, I could hardly breathe, my left hand was numb and my left arm had substantial pains in it. Again my heart was racing and I almost died, I cried the entire time in the E.R. mainly because I wanted to quit so badly and was miserable. I had been a slave to Methamphetamine for years and was basically powerless over this drug it was killing me and I was fine with it I suppose as long as I felt well at the moment...
   Anyway here is the reason I am writing you people at KCI, I am clean now from meth or any other illegal substance as well. I am 19 years old and I live in Baltimore, Maryland now. I had to relocate from Ohio because the drug is such a problem, as well as separate myself from my family in doing so, not to mention what the using did to the relationships. I have been left with a complicated problem from doing this drug though. That is anxiety. Only the worst case of it ever! I am here to do the right thing and have a lot of knowledge and insight on my pass and all my behaviors, and I could help any other person any age with their problem and offer wonderful advice. But I cant seem to find any for myself. It starts when I wake up in the morning, I feel good when I wake up but not for long because I will think about having an anxiety attack, and it will start right when I think that. For the rest of the day I cant do much but think about my heart beating and I feel nervous and fearful. It is not a normal anxiety problem either it takes me to the point that I want to die because I cant just for one minute sit down and relax and breath deep breaths, if I sit down I feel my heart beating, I feel edgy and more. The only thing I can do anymore is just cry, and wish all day that I could just be normal and relax my body and my thoughts, I feel like I am missing out on my entire life, like my mind wont develop properly and ill miss out on some important life lessons because the only thing I can stay focused on is my anxiety. There are so many more things that come along with my problem that are hard to explain, or at least in writing. Lets just say I was so used to speeding and wrapped up in the feeling of complete control and euphoria that my brain is wired for good, or at least that's how it seems. Even if I feel good for a day or for a few hours and I actually forget about my anxiety I get so scared that it will come back that it does. If I start thinking my arm hurts and my hand is going to go numb I will start feeling those symptoms. So as you can see it seems as though my brain can convince my body of just about anything, my heart will be beating at a normal rate and ill worry that it is going to speed up and it will, my mind is in a blank most of the time its encompassed of the thought that I am going to die at any minute or that life is worth nothing, because I am constantly in a state of extreme tension and anxiety. Many things can trigger an attack for me. I could go on forever about a million different things. I become so worried sometimes that I might have a heart attack, that I start looking for the symptoms suck as pains in your arm or numbness of your arm (left arm), my joints in my wrist and elbow in that arm are depleted and pop constantly from stretching the arm because I think I can feel a pain or numbness in my arm, so I have pains in my joints now for good...
   Anyway, as you can see my long term use of meth has me in a sticky situation, and I would trade any body part for the chance of my anxiety to go away for good. To the people that are still using meth or are thing about it, I can only tell you that you will not be happy with the way you feel after your done if you are not dead, I have anxiety enough daily for 20 people, totally worn down joints, teeth falling out, sleeping problems, horrible breathing problems and more. A lot of times hearing these kind of things wont even phase a person who is addicted and they learn the hard way, so if you are eager to see then pursue. There is no easy way out with meth so I can only tell you that the sooner you stop the better. I am still fortunate despite the fact I have panic attacks and anxiety, and I am still breathing so there is one positive thing. I do have some psychological problems but I can deal, I can say that I have pulled a great deal of wisdom from my experiences and am glad to help anybody with any drug problem especially meth. BUT if anybody has some words they would like to share with me I would love to hear something that might help me or really any suggestions of my problems. Good luck to everybody who has used this drug or somebody who has a loved one that is using the drug, and again id be glad to help anyone so e-mail me...
--Nick from Baltimore

   I am writing because I lived with someone for two in a half year's and did not know that he was on drug's. I moved out one month ago. I loved him and he kept lying to me he would be gone 2-3 day's without calling. I have two boy's and they are not his. I did some investigating on my own and found out more and more. I'm kind of stupid I guess. I don't know what to think sometimes. I feel that I should of known. I'm out now and he keeps calling and he come over and said that he wanted it to work and I told him to move on. We'll when he was leaving he told me to get a restraining order on him 3 times. I went and got the restraining order and now he wants me to get it off. If you could tell me how I should feel and what to do?
--Donna

  What's Up World!! I found this website and thought I could share some of my experiences in the city of Phoenix with everyone. This isn't going to be no preachers tale, but of one of abuse, but it didn't push me over the edge... I come from a lower class upbringing, and when I was around 14-15 years old, I had an couple older cousins that sold weed... They always had nice things, and I looked up to them 'cause I thought they were cool.. they used me to make them profit because I was going to school then.. I thought I was cool, selling weed. it only took a couple months until they introduced me to "skizz", and I liked it, A LOT.
   Around this time my father was long gone, and all I had was my mom and my little sister.. My mom was working 3 jobs at the time and I pretty much had a lot of freedom. After a while I kind of realized what I was putting my little sister through. Me and my friends would be locked in my room with unknown visitors at all hours of the night.. I always pushed my sister aside trying to make that money.. With some of the profit I would help my mom out with bills and other expenses. She didn't have a clue. Then when I was 17, my step dad got a job in a different town. I didn't want to go because my cousins would be farther away and that was my income. But I went any way cause it would be a change of pace. I was wrong.
   The people in this town were just as bad as I was. That's where I met my than, new girlfriend. We both had the same habits. So things went well. She had a transportation so it was no problem to make a run to see my cousins in the "city of the spun" (Phoenix). There I would make a lot more money, thus a lot more meth. Things went well until I was almost 19.
   In June my mom passed away in a car accident. By then I was living with my girlfriend, but I just had to be there for my little sister. My whole family was broken. During this time, it was probably the longest time I was clean. Other that my grandparents on my mom's side, my mom was all my little' sister and I had. It didn't take me long to realize that shit happens and all you can do is deal with it.. When I got back home shit was still the same.
   My habit reached its peak after my mom died.  I kept f**king up and digging myself deeper in the hole that I started. Everything pretty much hit rock bottom when cops were looking for me, and I started avoiding rent and bills. That was the worst.
   After about a year of this bullshit, I had to go to the last resort. I couldn't stay with the people in that town in Northern Arizona. I was so strung out carrying a gun looking like a skeleton, so I moved in with my grandparents and my little sister.. They knew what I was up to before I moved in, and wanted me out as soon as possible. After almost a year I got lucky and got in touch with one of my friends from boot camp ( PRO. CHALLENGE) in way up north in the state of S.D.. When I came up here I brought up as much "$h!t" as I could. That's where I made another mistake, because when I first got here I met the wrong people. Now that I'm in a new place for once, I f**ked up from the beginning. Its a small town where everyone knows everyone. Now people know me as a crank dealer, when that wasn't my goal.
   That was a year ago, and now I'm doing better than I ever have. I have my own place, but I still have my faults. My love for crank has deducted only because the dope up here is so expensive. but I'm still doing better then I ever have.
   This is my story. I'm only 21 now, but I just want to say I don't think the dope is the bad guy, but only the wrong people that it touches. I know that meth has it's clutches but if you're strong enough you could just look the other way. I'm not that strong. Its hard when its all around you. especially in different states. So far I've been living one day at a time, and that's all I can do. "thx 4 yo time"
--MR.TOIDS

   I am not a meth head and I don't know anybody who is but I'm doing a school project.  I am a 15 year old freshman at my local high school and for my quest class I am doing research on the drug I picked out of a hat (meth). We were told to find a story on our drug and I just I can't seem to get past the stories themselves for the past couple of hours. I have sat here and read every last one and every time I read another it just scares the living hell out of me that some day I could be like these people.........
   Some of you people have worked so hard to quit and yet you can't get away from this drug this incredibly powerful drug it breaks me to see these people suffer with their addictions and to read there stories. Now I don't believe in God because of the many things that happened to me as a child with being raped by my grandfather and molested by my brother, my cousin's husband and my brother's best friend. I thought I had it bad when I started cutting and that seemed like an addiction after I quit cutting. I felt empty but yet I live everyday that way...I don't believe in God or Jesus, and yet surprisingly with all the pain these people have suffered they say pray for me, and that's what amazes me most of all that yet through this all some of you still believe even though this doesn't change my opinion I just find this amazing and I hope that all of these people get through there troubles and hard ships they have cause I already think there amazing for staying hopeful.
--Pam

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