I wrote this when I was strong into using. I am now 19. I live in Las Vegas, the city that never sleeps. This is true, I know. My boyfriend and I have been together for quite some time and have fortunately not had problems. We have made a promise to one another that we are going away from this city, from our connections and from our temptations so that we can relax and get away from anything that may make us slip back into the realm of the alternate world. We, thus far, have had no problems. Our relationship has not been affected by this addiction yet. We actually help each other stay strong. When I am tempted he is not and so then we are able to stay another week clean. When he is tempted I am then over my temptation and help him to kick the moment temptation and again we are able to stay clean for another week. I had been using since my sophomore year of high school. It motivated me to want to do my work and go to school. It made me feel that I thought clearer than when I was not on it. I thought that I was unable to think or create any decent ideas when I wasn’t doing it. It never took over my life. It has made me sick lots of times. I have had severe stomach problems ever since I started using it a lot. I still have them now and it is very scary. I get paranoid still every once in awhile that someone is watching me. I see things now too, I see images, I see bugs, I see things in the air. It sometimes is so bad that I cannot even drive. I come from a pretty normal family. I was raised by my grandpa due to my mother leaving the country and my father having addiction problems. I was given everything I could have ever wanted. I had a 4.0 GPA when I started. I was MVP of the varsity soccer team at school as well as captain. I had the perfect school, perfect family, perfect life. I was popular in school with those that I wanted to be noticed by. I was given best personality, best body, and best overall in school. I don’t know why I wanted to do drugs. It didn’t start with weed. In fact I have only done that a few times and it was last year. My first drug was ecstacy, then speed. I love speed, I wont deny it. I sometimes crave it so badly. I can even go so far as to have it in front of me, cut up into an nice line, drooling from desire to do it, and somehow I can just say never mind and throw it out. My boyfriend keeps me strong and I keep him strong. Our love is what helps me say no. I have found something, someone that holds much more value than speed does. And before speed was the only thing that could make me happy. I am working hard in school to become a teacher. I want to be an English teacher in high school. I have been having motivation problems, but my boyfriend is now my motivator. He fills every empty spot that speed left in me and much more. He saved my life and made me who I am today. Speed is very demanding. It demands your every moment, your every attention. I am not going to say that I am never going to do it again because I might just do it in an hour, even a minute, maybe even when I get done writing this because of the excitement I get from thinking about it. I am not going to say I am clean and that I will always stay that way. I will not say that I don’t get the desire to do it...Because I do. I am only going to say that I have gotten to this moment without doing it again and I hope that I can stay strong enough to get to the next. God and my boyfriend are what keep me strong. Find your strength and you, too, can kick it, at least for the moment.
--Tiffany

   Dear Whomever... I am a 14-year-old female that lives in northern Idaho. I just thought I would write you and tell you how easily I fell into the use of the drug Crystal Meth. I have only been using this product for two months and now I am referred to as “Crystal Kay.” I started with only buying a quarter =1/4 of a gram, just to be cool. Then I moved up to buying ½ a gram. for $50. Now I steal all the money I can from whoever is around when I need it. I try to find $300 to $400 every Monday. My mom found out I did it and just told me not to steal for the drug. She said she didn’t mind me doing drugs as long as I don’t steal for them. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that she is missing a lot of money. I met this guy and I go through him. He is a known drug user and we are starting to fool around. I don’t want to loose him if I quit so I guess I will just keep doing it until I burn out or can’t find any more money! I just don’t want any of the people that read your site to be like “Well, if I just try it once I’ll be just fine.” I tried it just once for a party enhancer-- to be cool. Now I’m lifting up couch cushions before I sit down to find more money! I don’t want to lose this guy... but I can’t find out if it is him or what he can get that I’m in love with. I weighed 198lbs two and a half months ago now I weigh only 165lbs. I have lost 33 pounds in two months. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep and nothing can be clean enough. I pick at every imperfection on my self or around me... It has almost driven me f***** crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please try to explain to your readers it isn’t as fun as everyone makes it sound! Thanks,
--Kylie

   We have just learned that our 35-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. She has been a meth user for four to five years that we know of. She said she wasn't aware of her pregnancy until a month ago. This is the first we have heard anything about her in three years. She lives 800 miles away from us and we don't know what to do. We have been told she is out of work and homeless. She has a close friend that we get our information from but it is limited, also. Her friend says she has no way of contacting her that she has to wait until she hears from our daughter. If she didn't know of her pregnancy during the first trimester we are so fearful of what the drug may have already done to our grandchild. Can anyone give us any advice on what to do? We were told she wants to talk to us and relayed the message to her that we want to talk to her as well. We haven't spoken to her in three years. Every phone number we ever had is no longer in service . We have had to just wait until we hear from her best friend or from her. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

   'Lo everyone: I am a Canadian single mother of three teen age kids. Unfortunately, my 15-year-old son discovered this evil drug called crystal meth approximately one and a half years ago....then he proceeded to coax his younger brother into indulging in this Satanic drug. Fortunately my oldest child, a girl who is 17, is the opposite of all the things her two brothers are. She is a Christian who does not smoke, indulge in drugs, swear, or partake of any of the activities that will bring her life to a quick demise. Although my daughter is on the right track, I can’t help but continually worry about my two sons whenever they leave the house or bring friends in. I am aware of how this and other potent drugs will trick you into bargaining with yourself about the reasons you are once again smoking, snorting, etc... Crystal Meth against your better judgment. The kids all have the same father and he had a speed addiction back in the early 1970's that almost destroyed him. The only thing that saved him was a jail sentence. Due to (what I label their screw up) my son was very discouraged because he was looking for the center to help him detoxify and the counselor was saying that he had to attend these scheduled meetings with him.....straight and sober. Now because of this occurrence with the youth drug and alcohol counselor here my son then became very discouraged...and personally I can see his point. Even in my eyes it didn’t add up or make sense. Nonetheless the worst part of all this is that since then he has involved my 14-year-old in smoking crystal meth, he has himself delved deeper into his addiction. Maybe you can tell me what is wrong with this picture, and maybe offer to make some sense out of this scenario for me. From a distraught, frustrated and saddened mother who is looking for some answers from someone who has either been there and got out, or a professional in the field of drug addictions especially crystal meth. PS: Is there a way to encourage the pharmacists to either take some of the pertinent ingredients off of the shelves, or at least put them behind the counter so that it is more controlled? For the people who actually need this medication for the betterment of their health, as a suggestion...name cards could be issued and stamped or punched once a purchase of the medication has been made. I am extremely hell bent on finding a way for this drug to be stopped or at best slowed down, so that my sons can find their way back to a normal healthy lifestyle, and this seems to be one of the ways it could be disposed of. Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read my story. I can only hope that I will get some helpful feedback from this letter, so that I can help my two sons onto the road to recovery. Also the kids in Kamloops/BC who need help kicking this nasty, deceitful substance.
--A VERY CARING AND HOPEFUL MOM.

   Hello, let me tell you a sad story. In 1995 I met a man whom I feel in love with . We were so very happy and my children loved him. As the years went on he turned to drugs for energy and depression problems instead of turning to the one person who loved him the most (me)... he turned to meth. He stopped having dinner with me and the kids. He worked late every night. He got very aggressive and mean and didn’t sleep with me. We never had sex anymore. After seven years I couldn’t handle it anymore. It hurt so much to see the man of my dreams throw the love we had away...and for what? (nothing) No matter what I said it was always (“stop bitching at me”) shut up, and so on and so on. Finally I just couldn’t do it anymore. I cried every night from loneliness. In the eight years we were together I never cheated on him. I was faithful, loyal, loving, and proud to finally have a man in my life who held a job. Now he is gone and when I see him with no job and so skinny and sick looking... it breaks my heart that the man who made me feel like he was a man who could really love a woman right. This man was gone, he might as well be dead. His spirit is gone and I want the man I married back! What happened? I don’t get it .

  So I survived. So f##king what. I'm to take what's mine...I used to dive for a living and made a good coin. I stopped diving and met a girl. We feel in love and had two kids--"my girls". I took my dive money and bought a Bistro. I had sixteen staff s and made close to a mill a year turn over. Cranked!!..................I haven’t seen my girls for seven years. I've done a life sentence ...Now I take dexies & work for a boss I hate to pay the rent...my hair is grey, my teeth are f##ked, totally lost. It was my choice...Now I have a girl. She will never know. I will never love again. This is the price of meth. No trust, no love, no new start. Don't blame drugs...love the people who are sitting with you now...they are the people who care. Feel if you can because for me it's too late.......can you feel at all???
--Chris

   I have a sister that has been doing crank for about twenty years. She is 38-years-old with a 14-year-old boy, a 13-year-old girl, and 6-month-old girl. She has abandoned them with my parents and comes home on occasion to sleep it off and get sick and then leave again. She has lost her job and is running from anyone that tries to help her and is constantly lying about her every move. I do not know the right thing to do. Both dads of her children are drug losers themselves. My parents baby her every time she comes home because they are so thankful that she is alive. Sometimes I wonder if she did follow through with her suicide threats that maybe she would be better off, but then I fell sick for even feeling that way because I love her and I want her to have a better life for herself. I have finally come to grips with the fact that I can not help her, she needs to help herself. She has been in four drug rehab inpatient programs and seems to always come back to the drug. Will she ever get better? Or do I just wait for the day the police come to tell us all that she has killed herself or has finally had a drug overdose or heart attack or what ever. I am so lost. I am so worried about her kids. I have taken them into my home before, but there is so much baggage that comes with them that I start having problems with my own kids and my husband, so I do not know if I can take them on again. I am so torn. I wish there was a book on how to deal with this addiction. The only people suffering is her family while she is partying. Any words of wisdom?
--- Concerned Sister

   How could you have everything you ever wanted, and let a piece of glass convince you that you had nothing? This is my story. I’m from a small town where everyone knows everyone. I was trying to lose weight by smoking the shit and my soon-to-be husband didn't know I was using. Nevertheless I running around with the dope man while he was working twelve hour shifts. Of course, at first it was easy to lie but then one lie turns into another. I became a crank monster and mean as hell. That led me moving in with the dope man, and WOW! Before I knew it he and my cousin had stolen just about everything I owned. I found myself spending hours alone just sitting around smoking shit by myself...that was fun to me... being alone. Just like the monster wanted...alone, broke, and starving to death and like most cranksters...broke as hell. I cried wondering “why me, God? How did this happen to me?” and still yet taking another hit. I watched everyone of my friends get busted while all me and my new boyfriend (a.k.a. the dope man) did was fight. He was no longer fun. All I wanted to do was go home. But there was no home and I owned nothing and everyone in the small town knew that I was a crankster. So what the hell was I suppose to do? I had hurt my family so bad they didn’t want me around. All of my friends were in jail. My ex-husband, who was a cop, how did I ask him for help? Hell, he knew, too! Who was I kidding? I almost laid there and died. I was a runner for someone who had turned States evidence more times than should be allowed and nobody would help me. I was a crankster and he was a star in our little town. Thank God for my family doing their homework and to all my ex's-- I’m alive. I wait every day for my best friend to get out of prison. I feel responsible for sleeping with the enemy. I have lots of mixed feeling about the justice system now, but you want to know the truth? I think he loved me, too, but you can love someone in a thousand different ways. Drugs are evil they make you question everyone and betrayal hurts more than anything. Learning to trust takes time. “Go slow” is the only advice I can give. Take one day at a time. Relocating was also a must for me. I thank God for those one set of "footprints".
--Magie g

   It so heart-throbbing to know that something so tragic has happened to all of us once in our lives. Usually you would see that on a movie saying, "That can't happen to me." I was just on this site two years ago writing about my obscene obsession with ..... I was only fifteen at the time, and now I am turning eighteen very soon. As happy as I am...sometimes I think back and say, "I wasted so much of my life hurting myself." I still can't believe it's only been a couple of months since I've been clean. It's a great feeling you know....It's just that if you were addicted to Meth then of course it goes through your mind each day. For me it's like every couple of weeks. Man, did I fuck up or what. I got kicked out of my high school because I was such a trouble maker...I stole from the teachers, cussed at them, started fights, all the necessary bad things a teen does at school when high and drunk. Then I got enrolled to a continuation school....this is where the party starts....I hung out with popular students and then got introduced once again to the enemy "Crystal"...When I smoked it before, I didn't like it as much. But this time was so different. I just inhaled it and let out a cloud. It's so crazy because when you’re on drugs, you only see the crazy shit that goes on in this world and I've seen some out-of-wack things happen. I can say I did f**k up a lot of shit in my lifetime. I thought it was cool to let someone hit the pipe for the first time. Eventually you regret it later on. I have introduced this drug to about thirty friends of mine....all of them put together...I don't even know who I am talkin' to. This crap has pulled a 360 on my ass. I even let my youngest cousin start at the age of fourteen. Then my other two favorite cousins. Unfortunately, one of them is still doing it till this day. All she can depend on is C-C (crystal) and me. Damn, when I was doing it four of my family s died around the same time. It was like I was having “De Ja Vu” and I have seen this happen before. Which in fact was a sign telling me to stop before I see myself six feet under. I overdosed seven times and that still didn't stop me...until one particular overdose when I literally saw flashbacks of my life and my heart stopped for about a minute. Then I was sucked back into earth. Sh*t...I was sh*tting bricks. I did not want to sleep after that especially because I smoked a eightball with myself...I couldn't close my eyes because I was paranoid and scared as F**K! You learn so much..that only it takes about a hit to be someone different. The reason why I stopped was because I had this rash all over my body just from tweaking. I was so pissed because I didn't want to stop. The doctors said, "It's because you have good blood." Well, that's good to know. But let me know what's going on in my head and in my body. But that couldn't even be said to me. I wonder why? The rash was so noticeable to everyone that I was so ashamed of myself to be seen...the reason why it got so bad was because the sh*t I was smoking was dirty and was home-made. But damn, what isn't dirty and isn't home-made? Once again it was a sign telling me that this drug isn't doing good for me. Of course not, especially family hating me, the police always watching me because they knew of my history. It was always me and my best friend, meeting new people each and every single day smoking some crack with them. I've gotten tweaked out with at least
200 new friends in one month. And it multiplied each month. I was the party girl who hung out with the popular people at school, who knew everyone and everything going on. And now I just work part-time at my business. And all these people I met or friends of mine want to hang out and party, do drugs, or whatever. But I choose to "Work full time on my fortune".....I guess you have to learn sooner or later, right?...That drugs are what it's all called out to be. Not when it's going nowhere. I have said enough to let people know what I've done...I can't even tell you everything because there is so much to it...It's all on good terms though...right? Until next time..Thank you so much for reading this uncalled for life of a faded mind. Hey we got to set the trend for the rising stars...let us be the lesson taught not followed. Create peace...not loss. God bless and take care!! Always listening,
--R. Michelle

   Hi, I am writing this letter in April of 2003. I live just outside of Toronto, Canada and wish to tell people that we have a huge meth problem on this side of the border as well. I started doing crystal back in 1996 and my life has been an "on-again, off-again" story ever since. I'm now twenty-three and I still haven't managed to kick this habit. It's ridiculous--I lost my job, my apartment, and the few close friends that I had. Also, I just got kicked out of a $5,000.00 rehab which is really the icing on the cake. I'm living at home again for the first time since I was seventeen, and that isn't going so well. My parents are hugely paranoid every time I go out that I'm going to use meth and living with them is just a huge strain. I'm trying to finish high school, which I previously neglected to do because of meth. I'm finding the work easy, but the commitment of having to go really sucks. I've used a couple times since I've been back from rehab and honestly can't really imagine my life without it. It's become such a big part of who I am. I've often said that I could write a book on the shit. Seriously, my experience with crystal meth goes beyond that. Now I'm feeling lonely and damaged. I'm scared about what I've done to my body and scared that no one will ever understand me and what I've gone through with this shit. It's a lonely drug. The first time I used jib I was only sixteen and had never even heard of it before. I was at a rave and someone offered me some. I figured if it was a really bad drug like cocaine, heroin, or crack I would have heard of it. I figured it couldn't be that bad if I'd never learned about it in school. I was so wrong. That first high was better than any feeling I've ever known. It was insanely good. Everything was perfect--myself included. It didn't matter that I cried like I'd never cried before when I came down, all that mattered was the unbelievable high I'd experienced and, of course, getting back to that place. I think part of me was addicted from that very first time. So, for all you people out there who have never tried it--Don't. It is as bad as coke, heroin, and crack. And I've tried all three-so I can speak from experience.
-- Shawna Toronto, Canada

   I had ben using crank for years. I crossed the line between a little line at a party to slamming (when a "friend" said 'you'll like this'). Years passed. More, more of the same. It was such a rush. I was lookin' forward to celebrating my fortieth birthday party in the usual way - a nice big hit. My neighbor found me convulsing on the sidewalk and I was rushed to the hospital. Many days later, when the sedative I.V's were removed, the doctors told me I had a CVA-bleed (stroke). Since then I have been clean. I've had to take dilantin for seizures since. I've had breakthrough seizures, requiring hospitalization. Once I aspirated in the ambulance, was incubated and put on a ventilator for days. The dilantin affects my coordination, memory, and gave me gingivitis & hyper plastic gum disease (just to name a few side effects). I have tried other anti-seizure drugs. They either don't work or I'm allergic to them. The tracks have long since healed, but their many scars remain.

   I am a full time college student who went from an excellent student, unforgettable athlete, caring daughter, sister, and friend to an "addict". I've only been using and abusing for two months, but already I recognize the problem and have begun to change as a person. I'm only eighteen-years-old and "Crystal" was the first drug I had ever tried and the only thing I took a liking to. I hate alcohol, pot, and cigarettes. Why "crystal meth"? It's 5:30 a.m right now and I'm "spun" but calmed. My back is aching and my eyes are almost blurred over. I know what I "need" to do, but I am constantly finding excuses to use. I need to lose weight? I need to stay up and study? I need to be in the best mood to meet with so and so? Yet, every single time I pick up that hit, my stomach twists in knots due to the shame I have brought to myself. Can you really become addicted that quick?... I don't use everyday or for more than a day straight, but I "feign" for it out of a "mental need". I tell myself why I "need" it. Today was the first time I tweaked in about eight days, my friends were so proud of me. It seemed like I was "recovering," but the minute I faced stress
(financially) and sadness...I "needed" that hit. I got into this addiction when I began dating my "dealer", but he didn't do the drug at all, and didn't even like to breathe it second-hand, so why did he give me as much as I wanted, even if I didn't ask for it? In the beginning I was the girl of his dreams, good girl meets bad boy... so why did he introduce me to it? Today is much different than before meth.... I no longer speak to my father and I am too ashamed to be around my younger siblings and extended family. I received academic probation because I dropped a class putting me three credits under to keep my scholarship. I am pushing my friends away and this drug is destroying me. I would never ever introduce this to anyone I know, and I wish I could still be that naive college freshman more interested in success, sports, and friends. Why didn't I just say no? How can I end this before it’s grasp is too strong???

   I guess the main reason behind this email was to discern whether there are others out there who feel as though they've lost any sense of control. This is, quite honestly, an everyday occurrence for me. I've lost the support of my family through recurrent lying to cover my addiction, and also stealing. Yes, to think that a 4.0 student in high school could fall victim to such an evil stimulant only some seven months following graduation. So, in all actuality, meth can happen to anyone!

   I can't even begin to say I've kicked my habit. In fact, I have no current plans to amend my ways. Meth has become all that I have and want to be. Amped on speed is, at times, nothing short of Nirvana. Unfortunately, where I reside, meth is cheap and easily accessible. So, why on earth do I dream of quitting when a constant stream is available to my awaiting nasal cavity? At present I'm coming down and, as you all know, this is the worst time for any tweaker. I feel paranoid and almost completely detached from my body. My eyes wander and every sound is amplified by about ten times. In all honesty, it's
11:39 and by approximately 2:30 this afternoon I'll be able to appease my craving with a g of the sweet stuff. Best of luck to all of you who can quit cold turkey and find beauty and energy without the assistance of this damned devil. Perhaps hearing your success stories will strike a chord in me and I will decide to resume control of my life.
--Laura

   The thing I have come to realize is that I was using crystal to block all this pain in my life and snort myself up into smiles that hid it all from the world. Along with it, I justified it in every way possible, that it was normal, that it wasn't so bad for me. I could handle it... I could only handle things if I was high, without the drug I was useless, incapable of anything because the drug became my identity and somewhere along the line I lost myself. I would rather be numb than feel depressed or alone or sad. The thing about crystal was that it opened my eyes to so many things in the world and my life that once I had opened them I couldn't pretend it had never happened because it had changed me. I became this plastic person who felt so in control while I was high and then completely out of control when I was down. It was this ride I craved, the emotional roller coaster within myself and with the people around me. I hit bottom this past fall. I spent the last two months living on the west coast as high as a kite, not coming home because my room-mates would discover just how serious my habits had become. I lost all the weight I had put on during my summer back at home with my parents and family whom I hadn't seen in two years. It was strange seeing them again because they actually loved me still, and I wasn't used to that. I didn't expect that at all. After two months with them I went back to the coast and lasted a month sober before the loneliness and depression started to manifest itself into extreme cravings for the drug and soon I was back on the wagon. The truth of it is that I needed to do it. I binged myself to the point of serious sickness. I couldn't eat or get out of bed. For weeks I could barely move without it, to open my eyes or even lift my head would make me violently nauseous as though I were going to collapse. Because I had managed to burn all my bridges I was left with only myself to get out of it. The thing I experienced for the first time during this experience was the feeling and realization of my own mortality. I could die, and in fact during those weeks I would have almost preferred it to living the life I was living. I am not invincible and actually realizing that when it came down to it this drug was not fixing my problems at all---it was in actuality the cause of many of them. It used to make me depressed that I had lost this wonderful guy that I used to be but now I downright mourned him because I had become this monster. My life was based on the drug, the people I chose to care about were either users or dealers, the things I craved from life were high risk behaviors and relationships because it made me feel as though I could conquer anything and everything. I believe that is what the big addiction with me and crystal was. A giant war of willpower where I lost all the drive and strength I used to have and bought it in little baggies full of the white shit. To snort it made me feel alive, normal, untouched by the world, my life and its problems. Like some synthetic shield I could snort and wear throughout my days to present this image of what I thought it meant to be perfect to the world. I became superhuman almost.... I didn't need to eat, or sleep. I could go on and on and on and for some reason that gave me this false sense of security and strength. I now see that I simultaneously gave up on myself because I didn't think I would be able to feel this way on my own without the drug. I hit bottom on my last week-end in the city before I moved home to the east for Christmas. I was sad to go but for all the wrong reasons...financially and emotionally I couldn't afford to stay. My only goal was to make it home for Christmas and see my family again. I saved up enough money for a bus ticket home because I knew that if I stayed it would be the end of me. I had been down this road a thousand times before and I knew it was taking me nowhere. My ex boyfriend and I used to use together excessively. In fact he was the one who made it seem really normal to me and therefore I always justified my usage as being ok. The truth is that so many people use it in the city that it’s almost all right. It appears normal. My ex knew I was leaving and sought me out a few days before. We ended up getting all high and he confessed his love for me, told me all the things I always wanted to hear but he wouldn't tell me. We spent the whole night together just talking and even the next day until he got all irrational and told me to leave. It hurt me more than anything. I was too high to go home and do anything and I ended up calling this guy and hanging out with him because I knew we could just get high together and that way I wouldn't be alone. I ended up smoking crack with him. I just re sitting there with my body shaking and twitching, I had also done E and smoked crystal beforehand. I re just feeling lost, like wanting to become someone other than me because I suddenly realized how much hatred I had towards myself that I was doing all this. I wasn't doing it to hurt my ex, or my friends or family... they would hurt, yes, but I was the one living the nightmare. The guy asked me to leave because the world was getting too paranoid for him and I was forced to step outside of the apartment. On my way home I saw a friend who was now homeless and we had a coffee together. I knew he used a lot too. I re telling him that I was leaving and that I was really messed up and he smiled at me and said that I looked really happy. He said he reed seeing me when I got back in the summer, he said I had looked really healthy but not happy at all, at least now I looked happy. I got this image of myself...skinny as shit, bags under my eyes and bad skin with a big old saggy grin on my face and I just wanted to scream because I just wanted to die. I made a promise to myself that I would never turn my back on myself again. That all the shit I went through those last few days would not have been in vain and I would never get to the point where I felt that low again. The truth is it rather scared me because it could have been a lot worse. I could've died, but I didn't and honestly I suddenly became aware that I valued my own life enough to actually live it. Not live for the drugs or for other people but to live for myself. It's been five months and counting now since I've used. I also quit smoking cigarettes and have made an extreme effort to better my physical health and my emotional state as well. I eat, I go to the gym, I am honest to myself and don't try to paint a rosy picture anymore. Mainly I accept my life the way it is and accept my responsibility for the way I live it. I used to believe I was a victim of circumstance and I had every excuse in the world at hand to justify the way I treated my body and lived my life. The truth is I really didn't care. It was easier to be numb. It wasn't until I realized how much I stood to lose that I decided to change. I think everyone is capable of change, you just have to want it. My ex is still using. I haven't heard from him in months and that is a justification of my worst suspicions but I cannot help that no matter how much it hurts sometimes. The truth is he will fade away, the memories of that time will blur and disappear, leaving only a few instances where I re the memories of my so called life. I think this is what keeps me moving forward now, that your circumstances now will not be permanent, change is inevitable if you choose it and even the worst circumstances can be turned into positive ones if you choose to see them as turning points and not road blocks. My life will never be perfect, but I am not going to beat myself up for it. My words of advice to anyone out there who feels lost are these: You are a person whom someone in this world loves but you must be the one to love yourself the most, no one will put you first or be there to take care of you forever, and even if there was it would be the equivalent of the drug. You must want to do it on your own. True strength is gained by facing your fears, accepting who you are the way you are. You crave the drugs because you have convinced yourself it provides you with something that you feel you cannot do on your own, and that is your choice, that is your addiction. By choosing the drug you prevent yourself from realizing that you can be the person you want to be without a line or a pill. For me it was an easy way out. I could always blame the drug on my problems and credit it with my pleasure, it was an escapist way of living because I was a second party to everything going on around me and as much as it made me feel safe it almost destroyed me because I began to believe myself to be incapable of living without it. The truth is that we all have addictions...smokers, alcoholics, pot heads, coke heads, junkies, whatever. The world is filled with people who do things to themselves that are hurtful and excessive, so you aren't the only one. But YOU are the only one who can do something about it. Have a little faith in yourself.

   My 17 year old daughter is a meth addict, and I stumbled across Ma's www.Voy.com/60359/ site (feeling hopeless, helpless, and scared shitless) a day after finding out that she was addicted. It is from many stories of recovering users as well as our own that this poem came. She came home to clean up a few days later. Three weeks later, I lost her to her meth-dealing boyfriend and the demon drug again. Now she's on the run, having violated her probation, and facing jail. Through it all, my hope and prayers will never die.
--Velvet, A Loving Mom
(Velvet has two poems)

   Hi, I’m 19-years-old and I live in Baton Rouge, La. Like most of you I’ve experienced this drug and it took over my life. On my 17th birthday I went to a guy friends house and they had been doing ice for about a week straight and I had seen it but said I would never do anything like that. At the end of the night I was hooked. I loved the feeling my heart beating out of my chest and the feeling that I could stay up all night and not worry about going to work the next day. Ever since that night up into two weeks ago I’ve done meth almost everyday to every other day. I’ve tried all forms of it and I’ve had flights as far as two weeks with no sleep. I realized if I did it everyday then I could stay up and keep doing it and not feel so bad and also lose weight. As the days would go without sleep, though, I would hallucinate. I would begin seeing traces of lights or I would hear people talking who weren't really talking at all. I preferred to smoke it on aluminum foil...I didn't really get pleasure out of snorting it. I also would make "crys filters." I would put the meth in a coffee filter and drink it in coffee or tea. I would always tell everyone I thought I had a problem but I never would convince myself to get help. Exactly two weeks ago tomorrow I was rushed to the hospital for an overdose. I was the type of person to say “Ok, I’ve been doing this for how long now and nothing’s happened to me” then mix it with the wrong things and it’s very likely to OD. The night that I overdosed, I was with a group of friends and I bought a eightball. The night was fine. We all went to my friend’s house and we had been smoking it and others were tootin it. We left the house and went to a daiquiri shop and I got an XL margarita. I ended up buying five bottles of Bacardi Limon that night and making plenty more of them. We ended up at a club at about four that morning and I bought six triple stack ecstacy pills... I was fine still. We left the club and my pills starting coming down and I had the feeling of depression which always follows when I roll. So I bought a gram of meth...it was glass. I smoked the whole gram by myself and I re laying down on the couch and I also re saying that I couldn’t breathe. The next thing I re I was in the hospital with my parents and friends by the bed. I started crying and telling them I was sorry. The people who brought me to the hospital told me that my tongue remained in my throat and they kept having to pull my tongue ring to take it out. I also had to have seven thermal blankets in the hospital--- I was purple, I was literally freezing. My heartbeat was at 198 at one point. I was released the next day from the hospital. Yesterday was the first time I was faced with being in the same room with meth and now it doesn’t even appeal to me. I have no desire to do it and it took my overdose to see it.
 --Amber