I am a meth addict who's been clean for 3 months--this time. The using dreams? They're still there. The cravings? They're still there too. They aren't constant anymore. Now they just surprise me several times a day. I was lucky. I was shooting for about 3 of the five years I used but I made it out before I lost my kids, my job...That's only true because I had people in my life who didn't give up on me. After this last time I was just about homeless, childless and jobless. Treatment was the only way out. Sometimes that just feels like going through the motions. Part of me wants to throw everything away for that high, just one more time. I would give anything to have never gotten on that ride. At night I wonder if it will ever go away. Some days I can't leave my house because I'm afraid of where I'll end up. If you haven't used--don't start. Like suicide it's a one way decision. If you're using and there's any part of you that still wants out, find a way. The longer you stay with the meth, the more it becomes your everything. Your best friend, your lover and your identity. 
-- C

   I am writing about my boyfriend and what his meth addiction has done to our lives. I started dating him 7 years ago, and soon moved in with him. He told me early on that he occasionally used something called crank, aka speed. To me, never having heard the work crank before, and stupidly thinking that speed was just like caffeine, I was not really concerned. A few years went by and he really started to annoy and confuse me. He never had any money. He kept switching jobs, he was unable to keep a checking account open or pay to get his drivers license and insurance. The way he handled things made no sense - his sense of logic was just ass backwards. A few times I noticed that his mouth quivered when he talked. I asked him repeatedly if he was high on something, and he would become upset that I would dare question him. Then he lost his job and hung around the garage, which he had converted to a den, with people he described as "nice folks" coming over to hang out with him. Meanwhile I worked 2 jobs to support us. Supposedly he was looking for work but I now know he was just getting high. He became gaunt, like a skeleton. He kept having tooth problems. His skin was gray, he had sores that would not heal on his face and thighs. He would sweat in bed all night. I thought he had AIDS or something. Every time I questioned him, he came up with some explanation that made enough sense to calm me down, for a while. Then he ended up in jail. At that point I learned from his "friends" that he was using meth heavily. After getting out of jail we moved out of the neighborhood, but not far enough. He kept everything hidden from me. He was very very sneaky and would lie to my face, looking me straight in the eye. I was never able to forget the fact that he had been such a convincing, manipulative liar. I kept harassing him - are you using, are you using. Each time he would emphatically deny everything, and offer to take a drug test. Again, being naive to the effects of meth, I thought no one could possibly lie like that. He must be telling the truth, I thought. But still, he never had any money and would sometimes stay up all night. Soon everything went to hell. He was never home. Kept saying he was hanging out at his brothers place. He had become an expert at hiding his addiction -- went to tanning salons to cover up his gray skin, kept his hair clean cut, etc. I noticed again sores on his face, but he always said they were due to razor burn. He was able to hold down a job, barely, but I later learned he had missed so much work he would be fired for one more absence. He was unable to pay his share of the rent for 3 months, because he "lost" his paycheck, or work screwed up his paycheck, etc. He started stuffing tissue into the peephole so people couldn't see into our house. He accused me of going through his stuff, like I was snooping. He was irritable and would start yelling any time I annoyed him or questioned him. He even kicked his beloved dog so hard it flew against the wall. He would call out from the other room, thinking I was talking to him (hearing voices). Everything started to surface when I came home for lunch one night, which I never had done before, and found some girl in the spare room with him. He had heard my car pull up and came out, very nervous, to meet me and told me some elaborate lie about the girl. He even wrote me a long letter the next day denying that he had cheated on me and professing his love for me. Then I found a letter from a girl. He again made up some big lie about it. Then I found a graphic video he and this girl made together, having sex in some sleazy motel. They were doing things that made me sick. I was horrified and almost lost my mind. I went to his work and punched him in the stomach. I had to miss a week of work and lay on the floor for 3 days, crying from my very soul. It was the worst hell I've ever experienced. The lies, the betrayal, it was a nightmare. He could not deal with my reaction to what happened. When I was desperate and suicidal and needed him most, he quit his job and started binging and was almost never home. When he was home, he shut himself in his room, shut me out. It was unbearable. He had loved me immensely at one point, but now meth had turned him into a cold, unfeeling, black-hearted ghost. I kicked him out but I still loved him terribly. I tried to understand what was happening to us, why he had cheated. Then he finally went into rehab, after all those years of smoking meth and denying there was any problem. He always said meth didn't affect him like it did other people. Yeah right. I started to research meth on the internet and found all the answers to my questions. Everything made sense. Meth causes paranoia, schizophrenia=like behavior, irritability, hypersexuality, and this is just the beginning. My heart sank as I read the horrible stories of these poor people, not bad people, who had lost their souls to meth. People who seemed beyond hope, people who knew this EVIL EVIL EVIL poisonous chemical was deceiving them and controlling them and killing them, but were unable to stop it. I decided to offer my emotional support to him now that he is in rehab. He is doing well so far, and seems to have realized the damage he has done to himself, to his loved ones. I hope he makes it, but I am not at all confident about it at this point. I will continue this later. Take care everyone.
--JJ

   I am just writing to tell of my story about my brother. He is only 23 years old, he has been on and off meth for about 3 years. He did really good at staying off after he went to jail. Speaking of going to jail, just one of the awful things he's done due to this devil in disguise, he stole $85.00 from the dollar and change donations at the gas station for drugs, along with stealing bikes, motorcycles, and all kinds of other things to get money for a fix. He went to jail for about a year, while he was in jail our sister died due to a drug addiction. He had to grieve in jail all alone, they let him out for the funeral and had to go back the very same day, he missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, his birthday and all of his nieces and nephews birthdays. We all thought that all that would have kept him off the drugs little did we know he was suffering in his own little hell. We have a very close family, especially since our sister died, we love him so much and we all hate to see him this way. I wont let another one of my siblings die due to this drug. I don't know how to help him though, he says he is ready to be a different person and he knows he can be but he keeps on doing the drugs. He stops using for a few days or a few weeks and then he hits that depressed state again and starts using again. He says that the drugs are every were around him such as at work at home every were. He doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Our mom and dad and sister and I all sat him down and told him how much we love and care about him and he listened to us and we all cried together and we seemed to get through to him but I am not so sure that will be enough for him to stop. We have all told him we can go to counseling together and gave him all the alternatives to make him better but I am still a little scared. He looked awful he weighs about 120lbs. he usually weighs about 175lbs. I just don't know what to do. Lord please send your angels to watch over him. I really want my baby brother to live. 
-- LYN.

   Dear Good People, - The Availability of ephedrine and psudoephedrine used by locals to manufacture methamphetamine in mom and pop labs is destroying our children and parents. Our community must stand together to eliminate ephedrine and psudoephedrine products from our local stores. This devil drug produced from legal drugs sold at package stores gas/food stores and pharmacies amplified domestic problems. For example, make parents murder their own children and children murder their parents. Law enforcement agencies in our South Alabama communities are overwhelmed by methamphetamine induced violence. They fight the war on methamphetamine on two fronts the locally made methamphetamine and the imported methamphetamine from California and Mexico. We can stop local production of this death drug by not doing businesses with stores that sale products that contain ephedrine and psudoephedrine like mini-thins, and psudo 60s. Then law enforcement agencies could concentrate their efforts to intercept the importation of methamphetamine. At the present law officers and concern citizens are surrounded by addicted family members and x-friends to the point of bewilderment. The jails are stacked high with methamphetamine users and more are arrested daily. Methamphetamine is ripping a giant hole in the families of Opp, Andalusia, Elba, Kinston and the rest of South Alabama. Can’t we get rid of this plague? Would store owners give up their profits from these drugs? Leaving psudoephedrine and ephedrine products on the shelves of local stores is like leaving a rope long enough for our innocent children to hang themselves on. It make me sick that Our Federal Supreme Court strikes down medical marijuana, while ignoring the legal killer drugs. The ones that turn once good people into the the living dead. I stare at the brink I dare not think as sanity crinkles away. Leaving a threshold of cellophane, which sticks to the face.
Sincerely Yours
The Dammed

   My name is Sheila, and I was glancing through some of the letter's that were written. And ill tell you , well I feel really like I should say you people are lucky to have gotten out .of it when you did. I'm 40 been using for yrs about 15 or more .I started in my 20's around 26 . I used to drink before that but I found my drug of choice that was crystal boy did I love it and still do. I HAD A TERRIBLE WEIGHT PROBLEM needed to lose 100pds and I did. back down to my weight I was in school. I felt so good now I could go in stores and by clothes off the rack and know they would fit. before that I only had 2 or 3 things that fit I weighed 275at 5 ;10 1/2 I was a hole new person. I got a job and was an out going person, I also should say I was snorting the drug at that time to but things change. The more I was doing the more paranoid I was getting that is after the cops came to my house and arrested me for under the influence ,they only held me for 4 hrs then let me go .But they wanted something in return for me to say who I was getting it from .the one cop said he would make my life miserable if I didn't tell but I told him it was only a one time deal and I didn't know the people. Of course he didn't believe I still remember his name it was edge. REALLY GOOD LOOKING. COP .ANY I HAD 2 BOYS AT THIS TIME, MARRIED TO .Anyway they started watching my house at first I didn't realize it until I saw infrared fire ball rolling across the neighbors roof right by our bedroom window .and I mean big red ball rolling across .oh my god I got so scared. after that paranoia started to set in and of course I had to go to court .got diversion 8 week class back then .and the owner of the house found out about us using neighbor man was telling him everything we were doing the whole neighborhood thought we were dealing sometimes I did small stuff 20's. So after living there for 9 yrs the owner sold the house and did not even tell us, so the new owner came in gave us 30 day's to move. so we moved 300 miles up north. and guess what .we still were using but where we moved to it was very hard to come by so, we would drive 4hrs back down to get our crystal and 4 hrs back up so it would be all day and in late night after midnight we would get home we did this for yrs. finally we moved back down here to the city but in all this I started smoking it out of a pipe .boy things started to change, I slowly started putting the weight back on. Its like the drug was counteracting it wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. I am still using smoking it and forgive me I love it. but I'm not skinny any more I eat on it cause I'm so immune to I do a1/2 teen easy myself a day if not more when I can afford it. I cant help it I spend a lot of money that I don't have on the shit never new how to make it. now I'm going to have to file bankrupt cause the money I'm supposed to pay my credit cards with I buy shit .yes my husband gets pissed he can quit for weeks then hell snort a line he never got into smoking it. Any use me as an example u go no where in life but down I EVEN SOLD MY CAR .now I'm without a car first time I ever been without a car since I was 16. SAD HUH DON'T EVER START YOU WILL GO DOWN .JUST LOOK AT ME STILL SMOKING AND GOING NOWHERE.
--Sheila

   Hi! I'm a 23 year old girl, and have been using meth for two years. Tonight was the first time that I got this close to seeking help as to look on this site. My life has changed, I don't know who I am and I can hardly remember the girl that I used to be. I was full of goals and plans, was a sophomore in college and had many interests and friends. This last year I lost so much weight that my father almost started crying when he saw me. No one knows about this in my family. 
   I don't talk to any of my old friends, because I stopped calling everyone that mattered to me. I have no desire to be part of this world, anymore. I don't remember the last time I went outside in daylight. I want to feel again. I want to look at myself in the mirror, and complain that I look fat. I want erase these past two years of my life and wake up and realize that it was only a really bad dream. I'm in the middle of hell, and I really don't see the way out. All of my friends are also down here with me and struggle to keep their heads above water, before they drown. As soon as I start planning my escape, even sooner I arrange my next high. I see myself disintegrating and dying before my own eyes, and still I cant stop. I remember the first time I did meth. I liked it so much, that I promised myself I'd never do it again, because I had a terrible fear in the pit of my stomach that moment, that reflected all the horrible things, that I went through ever since. After that first time I couldn't even wait two days to do it again. And those two days I was fighting myself and could hardly think about anything else. The most dangerous part of this is that meth is a rotting skeleton dressed in a beautiful white dress offering you all your dreams. The first few months are the greatest and after that he takes off his mask, and suddenly everything goes dark. That's what I feel like, but I will try, I have hope. I realized tonight that I still have hope. 
--N

   Hello my name is Josh I am 21 and have been using meth for almost five years. It is a very nasty addiction I have been through jail rehab and in the near future prison as I am currently wanted by the law. I read the letters on this site quite frequently however this is the first time I have written one. My experience with this drug started long before my first use. My parents are also addicts and have been as long as I can remember. I have three little sisters and a brother or should I say three daughters and a son. I started "babysitting" my siblings when I was twelve. The "babysitting" turned to parenting as soon as my folks realized I could handle it. They would be gone for a week or more at a time coming home only to crash and restock the pantry. I look back at it and oddly I feel no resentment towards them. I did before I started using. I now understand a lot more than I did when I was 15. I personally started at 16 with the pot and shrooms and alcohol. At 17 I tried meth I'm almost positive that I was hooked from the first use. My life has been pure insanity since. The last few months have been the worst. Running from the law is not fun. I know that when they find me I have a 5 yr. prison sentence to do. I think about suicide often but I have never tried. I can't get past my belief that it's the cowardly way out I was offered a deal by the prosecutor to rat out my friends but I WON'T do that it is bullshit the few friends I have are very close and have families. I guess I don't really have anything to say that you haven't already heard. I do have one thing to say though If anyone reads this letter. Rehab (12 step) does not work unless you want it so badly you will do anything to stop and remember to be honest and open minded.
--Josh

   I am a very attractive young women who moved to a new state and was introduced to crystal. I had never heard of it before, and I assumed because it was being snorted it was like cocaine. Four months later after my hair begun to fall out in huge amounts, and I had sores all over my body. I decided to do research on this very strange and powerful drug. Why didn't someone worn me about the side efforts. I thought I was going crazy when I sat in a bathroom at a hotel and preceded to take a knife and dig the worms out of skin. Then I took a long, dirty nail and put it into one the holes in my skin so as that I could pull one of the worms out (not realizing that this was one of my veins). My "friends" when hearing of what I had done to my self thought to be of get amusement. The real joke to all of this is I have a college degree in Medical Science from Ohio State University, and spent six years in the service in a Combat Support Hospital as medical records specialist. I have four beautiful children and had been married for eight years to clean cut man also in the armed forces. In the four months I not only destroyed my appearance, but my husband divorced me and took my children from me. I have been free from crystal for two months, I had to have all of hair cut off to get rid of the drugs in it. I have been going tanning so as that I can wear summer cloths (instead of the oversized shirts to hide my skin). I can think again, I have been writing a judge in regards to having visitation with my children. But, I will never have my husband back, see I started having an affair with the drug dealer so I wouldn't have to pay for the dope. Please let society know that it doesn't take years for something to destroy a person's life, I can vouch it happen in just a few short months. My God save my soul.
--Laura

   I have read many of the letters and totally concur with what is being said. I am a narcotics detective in California and have been a cop for the last 6 years. I spend the majority of my time dealing with methamphetamine and "tweekers". I believe methamphetamine is the biggest problem facing America today. I have spent a serious amount of time speaking and observing, and studying meth users. I have worked undercover buying meth and have been involved in dozens of lab cases. From my experience, meth seems to be the drug of choice for young Americans, especially on the west coast. I see time and time again, young people destroying their lives. What greatly pains me is that I do not see any end in sight. The meth culture seems to be really taking off. I could tell you a long laundry list of war stories like the ones written but I wont. Just believe me when I say that methamphetamine is going to destroy our youth. It pains me everyday. Please help your local law enforcement and alert them to the problems you see.
--Ray

   I have a question about Meth. I have a brother on it. He does not think he is bad. He thinks he can get off it by his self and is very mad if you try to talk to him about it. He will not talk to me or my parents. His wife and kids are also really getting hurt. His 4 year old wants to know if he is dead because he does not go home. Maybe once a week. Sometimes not even that often. They just had their 19th anniversary yesterday and of coarse he did not want to see my Mom and I so he did not show up for dinner out. My Mom and I took her out because we didn't want her to be alone on their anniversary. He called and said he was on his way and didn't show up till we were getting ready to go to the movie. He did not want to go to the movie with us so she went home with him. He thinks that none loves him. But, he always has felt like the Black Sheep of the family. But, he doesn't know that I have always wanted to be like him. He thinks that no one would miss him if he was dead. Our younger brother died in 96' and I think that is bothering him. But, we all miss him. I don't want to lose another brother. I am really worried about him and he is so unhappy it seems like. I really would like to get some help for him but, he said he would kill some one if they put him in treatment. He is so with drawn from all of us and we miss him. He thinks that my Mom and Dad turned him in one day and said the cops were chasing him and the cop turned his car sideways on the road and he went around it in the ditch and messed up his truck. Not him thank goodness. He thinks that our parents turned him in and that the cops were chasing him. But, they did not. Who would even know he would be there at that time. I think he was half sleeping and thinking about being turned in and was hallucinating. Yes my our Mom and Dad are disappointed in him but they want to help him but he does not come around any one anymore and we don't know half the time if he dead or alive. I could really use some HELP to help him! Please give me some ideas. I have been reading up on the affects and stuff and I see he has a lot of the symptoms of Meth. (as a hard user.)
--Lana

   Wanna dance with the Devil? Pick up Crystal-Meth and receive a one way ticket to your own personal "HELL". I danced with the Devil for 5 years. Started using when I was 21 years old. I liked it more than Cocaine, because the HIGH was more intense and lasted longer. Lines went up my nose- until it began to hurt and bleed. Soon, I was blowing my nose, and chunks of cartilage were coming out of my skull. I was Waltzing with the Devil- partying on the week-ends ONLY. After about 3 years of blowing it up my nose, I began to SMOKE Crystal-Meth. Commonly referred to as "Chasing the Dragon"- I used tin foil to heat the speed, and a straw to inhale the smoke- within a month, I had two-stepped my way up to a REAL glass pipes and propane torches. (HERE is when all HELL brakes loose !) I had become so dependant on "Speed", I needed it just to get out of bed. I HAD to HAVE IT !!! Now, my co-workers are talking to me about how good our insurance is, and what re-habs are covered by our plan. I did NOT think I had any problems. I was suffering from a SEVERE case of Meth-Amphetamine Psychosis. In My mind: The phone was bugged, the television set was a hidden camera installed into my apartment by undercover officers when I wasn't home, any one I worked with was a NARK, I was constantly being followed any time I had to drive my car, and I was convinced the police helicopters had night vision going on in the chopper as they hovered above my apartment at 3 a.m. After 4 years of using Meth- I was evicted from my apartment. I quit my job of 7 years, because I was so paranoid I couldn't leave the house. I maxed out ALL of my credit cards getting cash advances. The idea was buy BIG quantities of Crystal-Meth, and sell it at a cost which would double my money. That never happened. I used all the Meth myself. I never had bugs crawling on my skin, but I could HEAR termites chewing away at the wood on the headboard of my water bed. Few times I had these "Fibers" coming out of my skin- sorta like a hair- I got out the tweezers and picked out the flesh on my arm and my leg. Left me with a wide open bloody sore about the size of a dime. At 45lbs. BELOW my "ideal weight", I look like a skeleton with GREY skin. I REEKED of sweat, cat pee, and stale beer (not to mention the Quality of my breath.) Personal hygiene tends to become "LESS" Important when you are tweeking. So, no money and no job....and now lots of credit card debt- problems were getting worse. I figured I was ready to DIE ! Family members gave me Tuff Love...words from my Mom and Dad: "Don't call, Don't come over--you do NOT exist anymore to us until you get some help." 5 years of using Crystal-Meth, finally led me to the needle. I slammed dope 6 times. Don't know where the needle came from, don't even know who the guy was....I didn't even care. I just wanted some Speed. Now, I was a Homeless Junkie. Living on the streets- No Car, No Home, No Job, No Friends, No Family, No Food, and No More Speed. The Devil was now Happy- I DANCED WELL- And he got what he wanted.... 
All my stuff,
All my dreams, 
All my ambition,
All my desires-
THE DEVIL GOT MY SOUL.
--Mary Jo