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   Hi. First a little history. A year ago, I moved in with my 90-year-old grandfather to help take care of him so that he can spend whatever time he has left on this earth at home. My daughter had moved in about 2 years before in order to take care of my Grandmother who had Alzheimer's. She moved out with the help of my Grandfather before Christmas of last year.
   She had been working at a local Nursing Home and seemed to be doing fine, although she never called or visited my grandfather after that and she only called me when she needed something.
   I am not sure how many months ago she started injecting Meth, but of course it wasn't very long before she lost her job. Then both her and her drug addict boyfriend moved in with his mother because they were evicted from the house that my daughter was renting. "Mommy Dumbest" smokes pot 24/7, in order to blind herself to the fact that her other son is running a meth lab in her home. Speeding things up here (no pun intended!), my daughter and the boyfriend get into a huge fight, because he is acting; quote, unquote "crazy", the house gets busted and she lands on my doorstep looking like death warmed over. I would like to think that she was sincere in begging for my help. She cried and told me how she had lost everything had nowhere to go, nothing to eat and desperately needed help. She looked so pathetic. I have never seen my daughter look so thin and sickly in my life. So I laid down some rules and said she could stay but only if she abided be my rules. The rules were that she got herself looking better by eating and taking vitamins and as soon as possible get a job, and find herself a place to live. She was not to go out partying, no drugs! she was not to upset Grandpa, she was not to have any guys in her room, and she was to be quite at night and not wake me up as I have to get up at 5:00 in the morning to get ready for work. Basically she was to concentrate on getting back on her feet.
   Things seemed to go really well for the first two weeks. She got a job at another Nursing Home working the graveyard shift, she worked three nights and they let her go. Because of the change in her attitude my guess is that she decided to use a little meth to keep her awake during her shift and some one could tell that she was on drugs and let her go. Now instead of telling us that she no longer had a job, she decided to go out at night and party and pretend that she was going to work. She would come home after the bars closed, and was not the least bit quite when she came in. She would not eat dinner with the family; she always made sure that if she ate, she did so before dinner was ready so that she would not have to sit with us at the table. She stayed up all night and stayed in bed all day. She broke all of the rules that had been set for her. I tried to reinstate the rules and all she could do was make excuses for herself. I told her that she needed to apologize to grandpa and see if he was willing to let her stay, he had told me that he wanted her to move out. I also told her that as long as she was under this roof that she needed to follow the rules, and have respect for those of us who live here.
   She left six days ago to do her laundry at the laundry mat! The night before last, my son woke me to tell me that my daughter was parked in the driveway and was higher then a kite. She had asked him to leave the back door open to the house so that she could sneak in and get some clothes and god only knows what else!! I told him that I would deal with it. I went outside and tapped on the window of her car. She tried to pretend that she was sleeping and that I had woke her and her boyfriend up. I asked her what she was doing and she said that they were just parked there so that they would not get into trouble. I told her that she could get in trouble right here, and walked back to the house. They pulled out of the driveway and went around the block and parked. I knew that she was just waiting for me to go to bed so that she could sneak into the house and steal whatever she could get her hands on.
   I had pretty much already decided to call the police and have her arrested. But it still took some time for me to think and re-think, should I or shouldn't I! Well I did. She was arrested in the driveway and charged with possession. You may think that having her arrested was cruel, but what else can I do? She doesn't believe she has a problem and refuses treatment. Her dad died of AIDS because of drugs. I can't stand by and do nothing and loose her like that! If you have ever known someone who died of AIDS you will understand.
   Of course they released her on personal recognizance and she popped right back to the house singing the same old story. I told her that she could not stay here and that I would help her get into treatment and from that point on all hell broke loose. She doesn't need treatment all she needs is some one to give a S__t! I have never cared about her, if I did I would let her stay so that she would have a roof over her head. I was the worst mother that ever lived, I am a f____g b____h a c__t and she was going right back to the same people and she was going to continue to do drugs and it was all my fault.
   So here I am in pieces with no answers.
   This has been the worst nightmare of my life. I am watching my daughter kill herself and there isn't a thing that I can do to stop her!
--Vickie

   I would of much rather of lost everything I had in the beginning --- instead of the ten years of opportunities that passed by my door. Things that were never mine are things that I miss the most. I had plenty of money and (as long as I had a bag) I had plenty of friends. No criminal record. Didn't hang out with gangsters and in spite of my chemical diet I still looked good. I've been clean seven months now. And my psychiatrist changed my anti-depression medication again. Ten years and seven months and I still can't feel anything. I'm twenty-eight years old and I need a career but I haven't learned yet how to get there from here.
   Glass was my profession after ten years I know it well. I've seen it poison different people in many different ways you may not be homeless, end a relationship, end up in prison, or go crazy tomorrow because you got high today but don't kid yourself into thinking that there isn't a price to pay. Quitting isn't easy the longer you wait the harder it will be me who thought that I was different because I had it under control the damage I had done to my self was less obvious the longer that I will struggle
--Christina

   Hi my name is Mary, I've been married 13 years. The last 5 years have been pure hell with my husband. We have 6 and 9 year old girls. He started using 5 years ago, I started finding the pipes and meth in his van in 1999, I would confront him, it was never his. He stayed out late, lied constantly and mentally abused me to the point where I thought I was crazy. He has been cheating on me for three years with a meth user. I tried everything until I could not stand it any longer. He denied it and always projected his problems on me and made me look like the bad guy, I couldn't prove it he said w/o a drug test. Finally after I confronted him one last time, he threw objects at me and I left and never looked back. With a restraining order and filing for divorce, I sent him to his parents to deal with him. He was such a manipulator and lied himself into having to take a drug test by the court. Guess what?

   Hi, I am the mother of a meth IV abuser. This web sight is one of the most useful places that I have checked. Information is out there, but you sure have to dig for it.
   What I don't understand is why there isn't more information put out through the media on this problem. It's not like it hasn't been around for a lot of years. And the biggest myth of all is that meth is not addicting!!! Well we no that that is not true, but do you see anyone talking about this on commercials? NO!!! But you see anti-smoking commercials all of the time. I would get down on my knees and thank God if all my daughter ever did was smoke cigarettes. Right now she is at risk for Hepatitis and AIDS and any number of sexually transmitted diseases, and she is working as a waitress (so far) in a strip joint, god only knows what's next!
   This crap is everywhere, but seems to be very prevalent in small towns. At least in the last two that I have lived in, one in Montana and one in Washington.
   What I would like to see is a bare bones honest commercial on what this drug and others do to the lives of those addicted, and to the families of these people.
--Vickie

   I have been reading the letters that are posted. I feel so much of their pain I have been a crank user of 7 years it's a hard thing to stop. I have watched my family be destroyed by it but yet still use just the past 3 years I started shooting it. I have been clean for 3 weeks I am really trying. My life has to change. I just want you to know your letters are a big help. I also have an amazing story about crank if you would like to hear it. 
--Sherri

   My name is Jonah & I'm 30 years old. Like many people I NEVER imagined I would ever become a tweeter. In my early 20's I spent a brief time drinking & smoking weed, but then quit & was clean & sober for 8years no problem. That was until I made a fateful mistake one night while working late on a car & let a little friendly demon into my life. The first time I used "speed" I thought I had just died & gone to heaven. Never before had I experienced such euphoria & it QUICKLY became my new "best friend". It wasn't hard at first to hide my use because no one would ever suspect that I would be "speeding". And I was able to keep my use to a minimum for about a year (maybe once a month). But as my life grew more stressed & I became more depressed I literally watched myself turn into a monster. This was from about June 01' up until early Dec.01', and in that time I lived to use. NOTHING was more important. I lied to everyone in my life, family, friends & my beautiful girlfriend who didn't see it coming at all. She thought I was depressed because I was always horny, but couldn't always "perform". I thought I could hide my symptoms even though it was obvious something was wrong. I was always sweating & my hygiene was taking a back seat. I was isolating & starting binges that lasted up to 9 days without eating, barely sleeping (maybe a total of 10 hrs) & taking in little if any fluids. This led rapidly to my first overdose & the immediate exposure of my problem. I felt horrible & cried for hours. I felt soooo bad for the people who cared about me & how I had let them down, but I hadn't hit bottom & my "best friend" was right there telling me it was going to' be O.K. Sure enough after I said all the right things I was back using within 2 days (as soon as my heart quit hurting). One of the sickest things about meth is how it affects your mind. My state of reality was turned completely inside out. Things that aren't logical began to make sense like Alice in Wonderland. I can remember trying to listen to someone I thought was walking down the street about 6 blocks away literally for 3 hours without moving! This drug absolutely in every way shape & form POSSESSED MY SOUL.I went on to O.D. 2 more times & literally came about 15 minutes from death, but through a miracle was discovered by my friend who just happened to stop by. I don't like owing people a dollar let alone my life, but I do. I wish I had NEVER tried "speed". Even though I know all the dangers & negatives about it, I still crave it & think about it. I also know that if I use again, I WILL DIE! It's that simple. I've been clean now for 2 1/2 weeks, but fear my health has been damaged. I lost a total of 26 lbs. & have headaches & chest pains. I've always been healthy, but this drug has damaged me. As bad as my problem got, I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I have a lot of people in my life who care a great deal about me & now I'm having to regain there trust. After all I've put them through I wonder why they stand by me. My use isn't fair to them & it's not fair to me. "Meth" wills ONLY DESTROY YOUR LIFE. If your lucky enough to survive you will be a shell of the person you once were. I've never been one to preach, but PLEASE DON'T EVER TRY "SPEED". I hate who I become on "speed" & I want to live. "Speed"=MISERY & DEATH. It's so hard, just day by day...
--Jonah

   I am 24 years old from Phoenix, Arizona. I have been a heavy meth user since I was 17. From what I have seen and heard I started pretty late. I have been in the same room with a mother and her 15-year-old son fighting over who's hit it is. I thought that was pretty sad. I have been trying to get clean for at least 4 years now. I have been in half way houses, and several Rehabs. It seems like I can get sober for a while but always end up using the stuff again, and hanging with the wrong people. I was sober for a whole year never touched it or thought about it. I was very proud of myself because a year clean for a meth user is an accomplishment. I moved to Denver for a different environment to live with my aunt. I didn't know anybody it was like a fresh start. I met a girl that lived in the same apartment complex as my aunt did. We even kept my job. I still never showed and lost my job. I worked there for almost 2 years, the longest I ever had a job. So my girlfriend got tired of me and didn't want to deal with it anymore. I just walk all over the people who love me the most when I am using. I just hope somebody who reads this can relate to me. I don't know why I keep using this drug knowing what it does to me. I really want to Quit for good but don't know how. I want to be able to turn my back on it and walk away and never look back. It has taken everything away from me again. I don't know why I always think it will be different. I always end up Jobless, Womanless, & Homeless. I regret ever trying meth and strongly suggest staying away from it. I wish I did. Methamphetamine will eventually kill a human being, and I don't want to die because of a drug. I hope somebody can relate and pray for me. I've been clean for about a week and it's been difficult.
--Smoking a lot

  Hello I'm Krista and I'm a crank addict and have bee the last 10 years I'm no 29 I first did crank with older friends and I'd never even smoked pot yet, but I was an alcoholic already my father went to Vietnam and never mentally return he died at age 45 dropped dead in kitchen found him with a death grip on the old mil can, no joke. When I started using it was cool and no one really knew what was up cause it was way before cooking was thought of this was the pure shit, people you couldn't ever compare this dope to that, I had a lot of friends who ended up shooting, I said not me and I meant it, ha a lot of friends who seriously did sexual favors for dope to the dealers, and the dealers were friends dads, dudes I remember all my life as my friends dad, and chic doing the dirty too. I said never me and I meant it, my fall came when crank led to my divorce in 1996 my little boy was 3 I started dating a older guy, he was my dads age, he become this major drug dealer, hauling pounds! An pounds of it around the us. Eventually he wound up in jail and there was me, right beside him, they took my little boy hat night and I told myself never again, and I meant it. My father died while I was doing my big 8 days in jail, I was released with all charges dropped because my boyfriend took all the eat, and he should have. I never tried dealing, even never could stand to have procession of crank. I've never let tat 8 days, and them feelings I've my mind, right now in the present I've got another child who's 3 and her father missed her birth, her 1st birthday, her 2nd birthday, and has finally for the 3rd time in 6 years been released from prison just in September he usually averages 4 months, as we speak every single person I know from my hometown is in jail, prison, or newly released and lie all on there way back. Its American cook off in southern ill, I moved o get away and as long as I stay away I'll be ok, I've been lucky, very cause there is no escape from the dners of meth, it w! 
  I'll hit you like nothing ever has and before you even know what hit you it's to late, your souls sold to crank, wasted days, wasted nights, geeking around, pilfering, everyone snitching like its the way to go, there is no hope in dope, I know not but 3 people from home that have cars, a place called home, or there kids, everyone is sunken in the ace and there life means nothing to them, or anyone else. If your young I beg you never try it you will like it and it will get you when I recently sent x-mas cards they mostly went to federal prisons, to people who I'm sure didn't expect it, fter meth you won't have a friend left, how they've all lived this long is a surprise, they don't all have aids. Its sad but its true so if you lie yourself or your parents, brothers, sisters, boyfriends, friends, and want them to still like you do us a favor don't t it, it kills but first it destroys. Making you die slowly of self misery friendless and missing all the friends that are now locked up, knowing if the were let out they'd all go right back to the coking scene, like there is no return from the geekers zone hope you all realize I'm serious about the prison pop in my hometown, its not Missouri or Iowa or ca so its a war everywhere
--Kristy

   My husband has an addiction to crystal meth. It has almost destroyed our lives. We have been married 19 years. We have four children, ages 20, 16, 9, 8. I never could figure out what was wrong with him for the last 3 years, he had serious mood swings, up and down. Then about a year ago my two oldest boys told me what was actually going on, I didn't want to believe them. I confronted my husband, and of course he lied. Then I went back and talk to my boys again. I knew at this point they were telling me the truth. I confronted my husband again this time he told me the truth, except he didn't tell me he was addicted. I think he thought he could quit, he tried. I didn't know enough about this drug to understand it. He would be meaner than all hell one day and fine on life the next. I wasn't sure if he was still using, you see his family has depression problems also and his mom acts real crazy sometimes. So I didn't know if he was having some kind of break down or if he was using because he would lie to me.9 months later after living in hell with this man. I went to a conference and there was a man there that talked about street drugs and meth. Everything he was saying made things fall in to place. I talked to him after the conference and he told me that I need to get my husband into TX. or he would end up killing me. You see by this time my husband was paranoid and thought I was out to get him and I was scared of him, my kids were scared. I went home that next day and I intended on leaving him. That is when he went to TX. He checked himself in 28-day center. He has had to learn how to live again all over--sober-- he uses the 12-step program and he went everyday for the first 3 months. He is now 9 months sober. Don't get me wrong this was not easy. He ended up going to a unit for days for suicide, and they gave him medication because he still has paranoid and anxiety and depression. I love this man very much and I am very proud of him. I hope with all my heart he can stay sober from meth. If he doesn't I will not be there to watch him fall. I have read every story printed bad I have seen this affect my friends with their children and husbands who are also. And I know I am not capable of going through this again. Right now I feel life is good.
   I found this letter I'd like to share with you that are using:

Hello My Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, and spiritually and socially. I want to make you restless so you can never relax.
I want to make you jumpy, nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable.
I want to make you confused and depressed so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want you to hate everything and everybody, especially yourself.
I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for things you have done in the past so you'll never be able to love yourself.
I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and for the way you are.
I want you to be deceitful, untrustworthy and to manipulate and con as many people as you can.
I want to make you fearful and as destructive as you can be to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you have sacrificed for ME. The countless jobs, all the fine friends you deeply cared for... you gave up for ME.
Especially the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions...I am even more grateful!
Your loved ones ...your family, the most important people in the world to you, you threw away for ME.
I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for ME. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself completely to ME.
But do not despair my friend, for ME you can always depend. And after all you have lost, you can depend on ME to take even more.
You can depend on ME to keep you living in hell. To keep your mind, body and soul paranoid for no reason at all.
I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for ME. You know you can't sleep without me. I'm even in your DREAMS!
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you blackout.
I would rather kill you, than help you, but I'll be happy just putting you back in the hospital, another institution or jail, I'll be waiting for you when you get out.
I love to watch you slowly go insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time and when you wake up with the sheets and blankets soaking wet. However- I will not be satisfied until you are dead, my friend.
Author Unknown

My husband told me this first time is the greatest but after that it's all down hill. He said there was no color in his life, he could not find any color everything was gray. I hope this letter will reach even one person, please think about you as a person and the people who love you.
--Sidewinder

I was always one to be curious. Always thought I'd be in control. Now I don't know who I am...scared. I'm afraid its too late for me.

I wish I could make love to you
I wish I could make everyone happy
I wish I could take all this pain I feel today,
away
I wish I would have met my friend under no unusual circumstance
my friend the enemy, I swear, I don’t believe
I wish he was not a danger to myself, to himself
in the end
I wish he could be safe and change
because inside, honestly I wish:
I could change myself
I wish I would I had never met you
feel myself inside
I wish you were here today to hold me
know me truly inside
I wish today to end, I feel empty inside
somewhat I am afraid
unsure of where to go
what step to take
it hasn’t been much fun anymore
especially with you so far away, since they took you away
my friend the junkie, I am his friend the addict
your my man the junkie, the addict
I wish I could make sense of it all- at least reach the end
reach some kind of resolution
make everyone happy, reach the end
without fucking myself up
I wish I’d never met you who will pick myself up?
But I’m sorry
I wish I’d never left you not even once, I want so much
to give you this flower I saved for you all in all
I wish to give you what is left of my soul
this poor tormented soul which has no true pain
no real problems but my weak mind
a need to please
a fight to be
a stubbornness to see
to feel myself truly inside
experiment,
experience.
I still feel I love you inside.
I love me too.
I love my friend the drug dealer too.
I’m very much confused.

--Lorena

December 2001 Letters Continued

 

Email letters to kcimeth@yahoo.com

All submissions become the property of the Koch Crime Institute. The Koch Crime Institute reserves the right to reject any submission. The reader should be aware that the Koch Crime Institute is not responsible for the content of any submission. Editing changes for clarity, spelling and readability is for the benefit of the readers.  Some stories may be graphic.

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