Hi! I'm a 23 year old girl, and have been using meth for two years. Tonight was the first time, that I got this close to seeking help as to look on this site. My life has changed, I don't know who I am and I can hardly re the girl that I used to be. I was full of goals and plans, was a sophomore in college and had many interests and friends. This last year I lost so much weight that my father almost started crying when he saw me. No one knows about this in my family. 
   I don't talk to any of my old friends, because I stopped calling everyone that mattered to me. I have no desire to be part of this world, anymore. I don't re the last time I went outside in daylight. I want to feel again. I want to look at myself in the mirror, and complain that I look fat. I want erase these past two years of my life and wake up and realize that it was only a really bad dream. I'm in the middle of hell, and I really don't see the way out. All of my friends are also down here with me and struggle to keep their heads above water, before they drown. As soon as I start planning my escape, even sooner I arrange my next high. I see myself disintegrating and dying before my own eyes, and still I cant stop. I re the first time I did meth. I liked it so much, that I promised myself I'd never do it again, because I had a terrible fear in the pit of my stomach that moment, that reflected all the horrible things, that I went through ever since. After that first time I couldn't even wait two days to do it again. And those two days I was fighting myself and could hardly think about anything else. The most dangerous part of this is that meth is a rotting skeleton dressed in a beautiful white dress offering you all your dreams. The first few months are the greatest and after that he takes off his mask, and suddenly everything goes dark. That's what I feel like, but I will try, I have hope. I realized tonight that I still have hope. 
--N

  Hi, I read some of the most recent letters submitted and it makes me feel very sad. Methamphetamines do kill and are horrendously addictive!! I myself unfortunately am a meth user. I have been hooked on the drug for over 10 years and I battle with it constantly. Truth be known....I hate drugs and all they represent!! I recently broke away from the crank for about 7 months and it was wonderful!! Now though I have went back to using again and I hate myself for it. This drug took everything from me. I spent at least 2/3 of 3 years from 1997 and 2000 in jail and still I choose that high. I inject it and it takes a great toll on your body. I have done that for 4 years and before that I snorted it. You see my sinuses are permanently damaged and I couldn't do it that way even if I wanted to, now my veins are damaged very badly because I had shitty ones to begin with. I had a husband, we were together at 16 and grew up together. We were so perfect for each other and should have been together forever. In our hearts we are still. You see we both used drugs heavy. It started w/cocaine and that was a 7 or 8 year run. Then it was crank. They both were awful!! We enabled each other so badly. Eventually we both lost our minds and went off to live in some messed up make believe world where all tweekers live. The results were terrible. I would do whatever it took to get the stuff. Crime was so fun to me on the crank!! I daydreamed, and pondered the awesome feeling of being a hitman and the power of taking lives just overwhelmed me!! I lost all of my emotions while on it. This was part of the reasons that I did it. You see then I could hide from all of my pain in my numb state of emotions. It made me not care about anything. It made me angry and mean. My temperament is still gone today. The drug is in one word "EVIL" and anyone who is out there thinking of using it just know this PLEASE!! CRANK IS NO JOKE AND IT IS THAT POINT OF NO RETURN!! So if you try to say not me then go right ahead and try it, go ahead and be the fool. You see that is what we are FOOLS Then look at yourself in a few months and just try to tell me you have control over your life and your choices, because it's the biggest lie our there. YOU CAN'T DO CRANK BECAUSE IT DOES YOU BEFORE YOU EVER REALIZE IT!! Anyway I will come back and write more another time. I hope this reaches at least 1 potential victim and stops them from going there. Good luck to all of you people out there and may God go with you. You'll need him!! 
--Carole

   It has been 11 months since my last use of meth. I first started using when I was 20 years old. I was living in Seattle, Wa. Meth is so popular there so it was easy to find. I started out buying it from some people I knew. Later I became friends with the person that sold it and eventually met the person who makes it. My drug use went from 3 days a week to every single day. I would be tweeking so hard I could not even go to work. I quit my job and left home to live with the meth cook. I was getting my drugs for free so I never had to steal to get high. My parents had no idea where I was. I was reported missing and my car was reported stolen. I jumped from house to house. I Lost 25 lbs if not more in a month. I started out snorting the drug. Then I tried smoking it and that was my favorite. No yucky taste and you didn't have to worry about it burning the crap out of your nose. Well the cook I lived with only shot up. I swore I would never use needles but I was to the point that I did not care what happened to me. And that was a big mistake because it was the best feeling I have ever felt. I would shoot up once or twice a day. I did it mainly for the rush. I would prefer smoking it or taking it in capsules. I started hearing conversations that were not even taking place. I would see things that weren't there. I also swore I could smell chemicals coming out of my body. I thought I was going insane. I wanted help but at the same time I didn't. I would think of my parents only when I was coming down from the drug. I hated having any feelings at all. Meth made me not worry about anything. I did not have a Christmas. This drug ruined my life in a week. I was missing for 2 months. I called my parents to come pick me up one night after me and the cook had an argument. I wanted to come home but at the same time I was thinking if I go home where am I going to get drugs. My parents put me in rehab. I had black bruises all over my body from malnutrition and I looked like I could be in a concentration camp. My parents were so upset and I felt horrible about what I put them through. I stayed in rehab for only one night. I was supposed to stay there for 3 to 4 weeks. I just could not stand it there. I went home and got my old job back. I started using again 2 weeks later. I left home again. I was using so much I could not get high anymore it seemed like. I had a lot of people that did not like the person I had become. I had really bad violent mood and did not care about anyone or anything. I was living in a meth lab and hanging around people that didn't care about me or themselves. I started thinking is this the way I want my life to be? I am going to end up dying. I never ate and hardly ever drank any fluids. When I drank anything it seemed to make my thirst even worse. I am lucky I did not dye of starvation. I finally decided that the only way I am going to be able to stop using drugs is if I move somewhere where the drug is not popular. I moved to a small town in Wisconsin. I have been off drugs for 11 months. It has been very hard and I still have cravings for the drug. I am not even sure that if meth was offered to me that I would say no. I have done a lot of different drugs but this drug I fell in love with the first time I did it. I felt like I was not scared of anything. Even though my life fell apart and I was depressed and wanted to dye I was happy. You can not help a person addicted to a drug unless they want help. I know because I was there. I got help when I was ready. The sad thing is that some people will never be ready to get help. It took something bad to happen to me to realize that I did not want to be the person I had become. I didn't want to depend on a drug to make me happy. If you have a loved one that is using meth, try to understand what they are going through and help them. My parents tried to understand but my withdrawals made it hard for them to help me. I had a bad temper and they did not understand it was from the drug. This is a horrible drug and using the drug once could lead to using it all the time. I wrote this to let everyone know who is a meth user or who knows a meth user that if I could stop shooting up and smoking meth that anyone can. It is not easy but you can do it.
--BB

   Hi, my name is Grace. I used meth since I was fifteen, am now 30. Let me tell you, at first I thought it was the greatest thing that was ever produced, I mean just think about it, I was losing all kinds of weight, I was getting everything done in record time and then some. I was meeting all kinds of people . I mean hey I was finally the SHIT!!! For the first couple of years I thought I was in heaven, I mean sure there was the horrendous burnouts to deal with, and the occasional sores and the irritability, But I was in control, you know the saying you do the drug don't let the drug do you. 
   Right... I now know that's a bunch of CROCK!!!! I started dating the dealers so I would have an endless supply of dope at all times and for awhile that worked out fine until in their addiction they started lashing out at me, one ex almost killed me by strangling me with an extension cord. but still in my mind they were the ones addicted not me. Anyways to make a long story short all that my love for Crank has gotten me is being beaten, robbed, homeless, sores, depression, paranoia.......and the list goes on and on. Finally when I was 27 I was in a motel room all alone after 3 days of hardcore tweakin and I just started to cry and pray to the lord to help me out of the mess that I made of my life. 
   Well that was three years ago and I have been sober ever since BUT... It has not been easy I had to move 3000 miles away to a place where I didn't know anybody and a place where meth isn't really heard of around here THANK GOD!!! I've gained all my weight back that I lost and then some so now I'm sober and fat, I still think about and crave crank everyday, I have all kinds of problems with my circulation. I had relearn how to actually live a normal life i.e.... job, responsibilities,etc. I'm still trying to trust people again which is really hard for me. See that's another great gift crank gives ya the inability to trust people, I mean believe me when you are hooked on meth you trust NOBODY!!!! But slowly I have been rebuilding my life back again. 
   But please if you are considering or even if you have already tried it a couple of times DON'T!!! Because the good times do not last for long. 
--Grace

   As I set here and away from the evil drug called meth, I find it hard to write all I went threw while on meth. Don't really know where to even start about the meth trips or the damage it has caused me and my husband. It is a very bad trip to take and to keep using it. Just glad to be away from that evil drug that can and will take you straight to hell and will cause your body all kinds of health problem. I still hear the ringing in my ears at times, but no longer see things that really aunt there. My husband and I left Illinois to go on vacation and still on our vacation and out of Illinois where the small town we are from is full of meth and meth cooks. Don't even want to go back there either and start all over again on that bad meth shit. The town we left is having drug bust slowly but surely one by. But like before will the charges stick this time to the meth dealers or the meth cooks? Any other time there was drug bust the people always had the cases dropped. 
   A friend of ours is waiting in a federal prison for burning up a house. All for that drug meth. A little boy could of been burned up that morning along with his mother that was so hooked on the meth she would let any one there to cook dope just so she could put more drugs in her arm. She charged along with the meth cook that blew up her house that morning? Well no she went to rehab and the cook went to the burn unit for awhile. She is clean now and will testify for the courts about the meth cooking and the man she let cook dope in her house that almost took her sons life. She says she was asleep that morning her house blew up. yeah right she was to high that when the house blew up she ran out of the house and forgot that her son was still in the burning house and a meth head had to go back in the house to get her son out. The meth cook ran out of the house on fire. The little boy still to this day asks his mom why that guy that was on fire didn't stop, drop and roll to put his self out like the little boy was told to do at school that he had learned to do. They finally arrested the meth cook and he is waiting trial. But he wasn't the only one there that was right along with the meth cooking. But they have the burns on their bodies to remind them of that morning of the meth explosion. Will they ever learn? Well hell no they haven't learned or they would stop the meth that causes a lot of trouble and damage to so many people. I'm just glad to be off of the meth trip to hell and meth free for now and hope and pray every day to be meth free and back to the road of recovery. 
   Please do not try meth it is not worth it. Been there done it and it is the devils drug. So stay away from it if you can. I can tell you a lot more from being around meth and maybe will if I can get the time to another time. What is it going to take a death of a child for people to wake up and stop the meth? And for all of you farmers that leave your tanks out on the fields while spreading the ammonia stop leaving the stuff around or stop using it and use something else so the meth cooks can't go to the tanks and steal it from you to cook their meth. Wake up and watch them tanks. Sincerely an x meth user
--CDB

   My name is John, I'm 22 and a Police Officer in a small Oklahoma town. I never imagined that in my life time, that I would see anything as horrible as the effects of Meth. I have seen several successful people fall to this monster, and several others die. Meth is not only affects your mind and your family, it affects your physical appearance. I just dealt with a man the other day who's teeth had turned black and green and rotted out due to his Meth use. I deal with Meth addicts on a daily basis and never know what to expect from them one day to the next. If you need help, get help before this deadly monster takes your life. And always re the Dope Gods show no remorse or give no forgiveness for the lives they take.

   to Kari help and the others whose letters I have read I myself was addicted to meth for 3 yrs when I first started using I thought this has to be the best stuff ever made I could work all I had to 16 to 20 hours per day most days and still be able to spend quality time with my family but after 4 or 5 months paranoia and hallucinations started to happen I did not understand the way meth works on the mind and to me the things I seen and heard must be happening regardless of how bizarre it seems to be and I was accusing the person who cared for me the most of crazy and irrational behavior see how the devil works ? divide the family and 80% of his job is complete well this went on for another 6 or 8 months then the inevitable happened a man as insane as I appeared to be could not function at the level required for the position I held out of work soon meant out of dope in a short time I was back to normal and life was good again my wife and children forgave me after all considering the amount of hours I had to put in at work and my lack of knowledge about the drug itself it could happen to anyone besides everyone is entitled to one mistake right anyway I underestimated the power that meth had over me and 5 or 6 months later I am snorting again small amounts at first and this time I know what to expect so I think I can control it WRONG the hallucinations returned as I started using more and more and I went back to being the demon that meth turned me into not eating or sleeping or ever telling the truth I felt that if I told anyone the truth they would have the upper hand after all everyone is out to get me aren't they I will skip to the last 2 months of this nightmare that you don't wake up from now I am completely` crazy I had myself committed to an asylum four months ago but after three days I could see that I didn't belong there with that bunch of nuts wrong again! after 20 days more or less I am on it again now back to last two months my children wont stay home anymore not that you could call it a home by any stretch of the imagination my wife has filed for divorce all my ex friends know me as raging wild man that you cant stand to be around any longer than it takes to snort a few lines and I am right everyone is in a conspiracy against me now we go to the last day of this hellish life that meth has caused my family and me to have to endure it is Monday November 20 98 I am home alone wonder why ? my car is in the garage and when it is fixed my wife says I am out of here and that's ok why would I want to stay with someone that would do me the way she has! I am sitting here thinking about where I am going to go when I leave drinking a few cold ones smoking some rope and trying to get a line to go up one side of my nose or the other no go all it does is bleed oh well maybe later I am wired anyway just doing cause I got it think I will just get another beer here comes the best part of my story I set back down put my hand on the bottle cap as if to open it and I hear a voice speak my name hallucination? no it is the spirit of the living GOD offering me salvation telling me I can be delivered from this monster called crank all I have to do trust and believe that he will restore my family and save my wife then here comes the devil telling me the road is too long and hard look at all the lies that you will have to come clean on if it comes up and it will come up what will you do then so I sat there with tears in my eyes a hard man a man that never cried a man full of hate and evil and I weight it all out and I seen what a mess my life was and knowing that it is imposable for GOD to lie I yielded to the spirit and let GOD and his son JESUS come into my life I broke down and cried for about three hours repented of my sins got rid of the dope beer crank ect and GOD true to his word allowed me to keep my family and saved my wife in march of 99 and we have been living for the lord ever since it is now APRIL 5 01 and today I sat here and shed tears of happiness because of what GOD has done for me and we know from his Holy Word that GOD is not a respecter of persons what he done for me he will do for you JD i am praying for you and for all the people in the letters i have read i hope this will help someone and re nothing is too hard for GOD 
--LOLO W